As a funeral director, I always tie the shoe laces together of the deceased.The zombie apocalypse will be hilarious.
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Pretty upsetting that during such a time of pandemic, some people are refusing to take their work home with them… Like my children’s nanny
Anne Boleyn: My love, I wait for but one word from you
Henry VIII: New phone who dis
Anne: Your wife
Henry VIII: Lol which one
Sorry honey, they were all out of Turnt Triscuits.
they told me to make myself at home so i moved their silverware to the more logical drawer
Hey remember that snarky insult you threw my way three weeks ago? Well now I have comeback so please repeat it.
turns out Xenophobia is not ‘A fear of Warrior Princesses’
Bill Gates is giving 100k to help develop a better & safer condom. I don’t care how good it is, im not wearing a condom that says Microsoft.
How was your day?
-You know in Die Hard when he runs barefoot over broken glass?
That bad?
-Oh no. It’s just a cool scene. My day was decent
I’m uncomfortable with flirting. I never know at what point I show the guy I’m able to put my entire fist in my mouth.
I’m not like other girls. I have 1L of butter chicken sauce in my purse
I bet Stephen King’s kids aren’t afraid of shit.
*Growling bear comes out of the woods*
Me: Aww, it’s a giant teddy.
Him: Are you crazy? Run!
Me: *arms wide open* Bring it in.
Bear:*embraces me & cries* This is all I ever wanted.
(6yo son sweetly tracing my face with his fingers at bedtime)
6: Just be still, Momma. I’m pretending to shave off your eyebrows.
We’re going to run out of sausage if no one ever wants to know how it’s made
I get mortgage-related spam multiple times a day. It reaches me by text, phone, email, postage, and even social media. I’m absolutely sick of them not giving homing pigeons a chance.
*Showing Pet Sematary to 6yo daughter
“Anyway, this is what happens to kids who don’t learn how to spell.”
firemen keep harvesting my cat tree
Hey ladies, No Shave November ain’t for you. Just saw some gal lookin’ like she was tryin’ to smuggle a cactus in her yoga pants. Merica.
I don’t do drugs. I take drugs. My brain does the drugs. Follow me? Me either -because drugs
My Guy
[office]
JERRY: Close the door! Were you born in a barn? Haha
{later}
HR: We recieved a complaint from Bessie
JERRY: Bessie?
HR: In accounting
JERRY: Uh…
HR: The dairy cow
JERRY: Oh right, Bessie
HR: Turns out she was born in a ba-
JERRY: Yes, I see where this is going
ME: So how fast are you at making suits?
TAYLOR SWIFT: …
The coconut is very versatile. It can be eaten or be used to make a radio.
Look officer, he’s missing but I don’t remember what he was wearing. I’d need a mirror to tell you what I’m wearing.
It’s hard to take no prisoners in a war against puppies.
I brought my Beats headphones to work, and instead of being left alone, I’ve had 7 rap battles and am in the finals against A$AP Carol.
If it doesn’t make you afraid to go to the bathroom the next day, it’s not really hot sauce.
[sees huge guy at the gym]
Me: do you take steroids
*guy spends 15 minutes talking me thru his diet plan*
Me: when do you eat the steroids
Everyone is at the store buying milk and bread to prepare for the snow. I’m buying frozen pizza. Enjoy your milk sandwiches, losers!
It takes an entire village’s whiskey to raise a child