What’s Biden’s plan to make bloggers post the recipe at the beginning of the post instead of at the end
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Wow my pants are really loose today
*skips to the nearest vending machine*
*claims pandemic weight as a new dependent on my taxes*
Him: The kids and I had a game night. There was a good bit of arguing and some crying.
Me: Oh? …how did the kids behave?
You don’t need to put “narcissist” in your bio.
This is twitter, that shit goes without saying.
It infuriates my wife to see our stuff on the kitchen floor for a few hours but she’s totally fine with a table and chairs being there all year long.
me: I plead the 3rd
lawyer: the third amendment is you can’t be forced to quarter soldiers. the fifth is you can’t be compelled to act as witness against yourself. did you mean the fifth?
me: I mean I kinda don’t want to have to do either
What do you mean your “water broke”? Did the H2 fall off the O?
Me before watching a serial killer documentary: I bet this killer was so successful because of their intelligence and cunning, and not just because of the gross incompetence of local law enforcement.
Me after watching a serial killer documentary: Well, shit.
[Shopping with $100]
As a child: Look at how much stuff I can buy!
As an adult: Why is this bath towel $15?
[new tattoo]
them: cool! what is it?
me: it’s an abstract depiction of beauty; the juxtaposition of the lyrical and the grotesque[after 50 people have asked]
them: what is it?
me: it’s a squirrel
[bird watching] when’s the yellow one gonna teach me the alphabet
Idk if anyone else has experienced this but I don’t like when things negatively affect me
I’m OK with people clapping when the plane lands IF they boo when it crashes
my girlfriend has literally 40 browser tabs open on her $170 chromebook. some tabs are like a week old and it’s not even slowing down. it’s astounding. trying to imagine what 1998 me would think of that. he’d be amazed i have a girlfriend
“Peanuts make me swell up like a beach ball”
“Is that an allergy?”
“No, simile”
One minute you’re young and fun and the next, you need a tow out of a beanbag chair.
The woman who sits next to me at work just told someone she’s surrounded by idiots. I feel bad for her.
Husband: Well, for starters, she introduces me as her current husband.
Marriage counselor: …
Me: …
Nephew: Hey, Uncle Jesus, can you buy me and my friends some beer?
Jesus: No, but I can get you wine. Let’s go over to the water cooler, shall we.
depression: everything is terrible
me: yeah, let’s buy stuff online
anxiety: you can’t afford that
me: okay guys, one at a time
producer [at a stuntman’s funeral]: he died for our scenes.
*being murdered*
Him: You should of kept your mouth shut
Me: No. It’s should HAVE
*gets stabbed another 84 times*
Just found out I’ve been drinking straight up cold brew concentrate that’s supposed to be diluted 4 parts to 1, and now I know why I’ve been able to feel my scalp for the last month
Just realized I haven’t fed my imaginary friends since a tea party when I was 6 so they’re all dead now.
Police officer: You get to make one phone call.
Me: Do I have to?
Age is just a number in the same way that a killer whale is just a fish.
*seductively eats two tums*
Forever 21… pounds overweight
I feel as though we’ve come too far as a society to go camping on purpose.
Nobody ever asked me to prove that I’m not an elephant, but I once lost an argument about being a french poodle