On my home screen I surrounded the Fitbit app with a bunch of food delivery apps so it knows what’s up.
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Thought I saw a brownie walk by but it was just my dog. Other than that, diet is going well.
Teaching your kids to question everything is important. Until you’re sitting there banging your head on the table.
The important thing to remember is that nobody asked you.
“shake what ya momma gave ya!”
*starts shaking low self-esteem*
My wife’s yoga class is really relaxing…
‘Cuz she’s usually gone for at least two hours.
Don’t invite me over unless you are trying to secretly transfer a cursed object to me.
My Cat turned up his nose at his new gourmet food so after a logical discussion failed to persuade, I pretended to eat some and it blew his mind. Anyway, he’s eating it now.
If u havin girl problems i feel bad for u son
jery had 73 girlfriends throughout seinfelds run
*at confessional
Priest: ‘Wait. Didn’t I forgive you for that last week?’
Me: ‘Please don’t make this any harder than it has to be.’
Do I believe in angels?
I don’t know.Do I believe in cheese?
I can see cheese.
Cheese has helped me out in difficult times.
Yeah.
My mum has asked for ‘bath stuff’ for Christmas so I’ve bought her a toaster.
Just once, I want someone to look at me and say, “That’s her. She’s the one”
And not follow it with “who ate cake out of the garbage”
Feet so ugly, you understand why your socks go missing.
When improv teams ask for suggestions, I like to yell “Learn a trade before your father cuts you off financially!”
I’m not mad, I’m just frustrated.
-people that are about to start ugly crying
[police interrogation room]
Officer: you’ve been identified as the runner who..
Me: Let me stop you right there.
So a coffee break is when you stop drinking coffee for a minute, right?
I just finished a 5 year relationship. Luckily it wasn’t mine.
Charlotte’s Web is the book that inspired a generation of vegetarians. It’s true. I read it when I was 7 & I haven’t eaten a spider since
My teen daughter wants me to “hurry up” getting ready to go somewhere and ain’t this some karma
been a while since anyone declared a thumb war, peace has made us all soft.
🎵 so no one told you life was gonna be this waaaaaay… 🎵
The best way to surprise your girlfriend with flowers is by not giving them to her when your wife’s there.
Tune in tomorrow for another secret the Illuminati don’t want you to know.
I love a “hell yeah” moment right before it turns into a “well shit” situation.
I want my kid to be sociable, but I don’t know where I expect him to inherit that from.
you can basically just make up facts as long as they’re about animals.. cows can’t look left. you don’t know
“Is that on Netflix?” I ask, with no intention of ever watching it
Reality show idea: “So You Think You Can Touch Mike Tyson’s Nose.” Hidden camera. Tyson isn’t in on it.
in chinese “māo” means cat so when we meow at our kitties we’re just shrieking CAT at various frequencies
Me: Just once?
Dog:
Me: Please?
Dog:
Me: Say, “I’m a law-biting citizen”
Dog: That’s not water in your cup, is it?