*cocks gun*
Me: “Go ahead.”
Horse: “Just be cool, man.”
Me: “DRINK.”
Horse: “No problem. It’s just a stupid expression.”
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*after 7 hours in a Chinese restaurant*
Me to waiter: “Actually, do you think I could have a fork?”
Waiter, Waiter, this chicken is nothing but skin and bones.
Would you like the feathers too?
#WaiterJokes #RubbishJokes #Puns #DadJokes
Dear Cool People, they didn’t name a candy after you, did they? Love, Nerds.
“Ben Carson makes stuff up” said Donald Trump, self-proclaimed zillionaire, demigod and unicorn owner.
“I don’t even own a book” – Medieval Hipster
I scream, you scream, we all scream for ice cream. This kid working at Baskin Robbins is pretty scared. Now he’s crying in the corner.
If they ever find my body next to a treadmill, just know that I was murdered somewhere else and my body was dumped there.
Nothing like the lingering dread of a project that goes far too easily.
I’ve been sick with Covid and on heavy medications, which have caused me to have dreams about my high school boyfriend every night for a week. It was worse than the Covid.
Every time my phone rings tomorrow I’m going to answer it with “911, what’s your emergency?”
Why soy sad?
Eggs benadryl my favourite
I’ve never held a baby before
“It’ll be fine”
*I accidentally put the baby in a box and mail it to North Korea*
My cat constantly looks at me like I asked her to give me a ride to the airport.
the only organized thing in my life is crime
I like to throw bottles into the ocean with notes that just say, k.
DeBeers ad: *Close up of eyes tearing up then a block of parmesan reggiano – man gets down on one knee*
This year, let them know it’s forever with an investment of 3 months salary in cheese.
Interviewer: If you get this job what will you bring to the team?
Me: cake…I’ll bring cake
*knock on the door
Satan: Yes?
Santa (pissed): STILL getting your mail!
flight attendant: sir u can’t bring that on the plane
me: this is my emotional support refrigerator
Remember that the most popular man in the village was its idiot.
I’ve been attending Acronym Anonymous meetings recently. Or as I like to call it AA.
I’m not making a lot of progress.
What the hell happened here.
Nephew: Do you like Minecraft?
Me: [trying to seem cool] I am interested in how mines are built, yes.
Be the reason why the lights flicker when you enter a room
me: head, shoulders, knees and toes, eyes and ears and mouth and nose
CDC: no
hoping jesus comes back soon, preferably on a monday, so we can get another holiday
My husband & I have a secret signal we use when it’s time to leave a party. I pull an air horn out of my purse and blast it.