Life is like a can of mixed nuts. No matter how hard you try to get all kinds, you’re always left with a bunch of peanuts in the end.
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“Do what you love and you’ll never work a day in your life”
Ok Brenda but watching Netflix and eating Nutella straight out the jar isn’t gonna pay my bills is it?
My 7yo lost his lunchbox, but he did bring home a giant leaf, so I guess we’ll just wrap up his lunch in that from now on.
Good news everyone, the priest who took my confession is expected to make a full recovery
Son: Dad, can you teach me how to use a condom?
Me: Yeah so you just put the drugs in, swallow it, and then poop it out when the plane lands.
We installed those slam-proof bumpers on all of our doors. My kids’ fingers are safe, but I have no way of knowing when my wife is mad at me.
We decided to name our unborn child something that represents where it was conceived.
Only 7 more months until baby Uber is born!
tim apple: use iphone 14 satellite calling when you get stranded in the wilderness
me who hasn’t left my house in 2 years: I must have this
i’m not sayin for sure big brother is watchin, i’m just sayin ever since i came public with my imaginary dog, my pandora station non-stops advertises for schizophrenia medication
I’d make a terrible meth head. I’d spend all my meth money on Reese’s peanut butter cups
Here’s the upside to having kids who are older:
I just sent out a group text letting them all know they’re on their own for dinner.
my allergies were acting up so i took allergy medicine. now i’m sleepy and my allergies are acting up.
Widow: did he say anything before he passed?
Me: *tearing up* he just said “tell Sheila i love her”
Widow: who the hell is Sheila?
I’m getting excited that my kid’s birthday is coming up…
mostly because I really need to replenish my gift bag stash.
shoutout to everyone but my kids who both decided to do summer school killing all of my mornings forever
Walked past a group of cats that meowed at me so I meowed back. They stopped meowing and now I’m worried I said something homeowphobic
[Ad shows dude getting out of bed before noon on the weekend]
*professional stuntman do not attempt*
“Where’s my money?” – a loan shark
“Where are my friends? – alone shark
5-year-old: I missed chicken nugget day at daycare.
Me: So?
5-year-old: My life is falling apart.
Whenever I tweet about my 3yo being challenging there’s ALWAYS someone who is like “my 3yo was not challenging at all, they were sweet and smart and perfect and it’s because I took them outside.” And I’m always like ohhhh sorry I keep mine in a box in the basement, can’t relate
My little dog: *knocks garbage can over in kitchen, walks by me with pizza crust hanging out of his mouth like a cigar*
Hot singles in your area looking to borrow a cup of air conditioning
It may snow in Atlanta so I just bought 47 loaves of bread and now I’m headed out to the interstate so I can get stranded in a good spot.
Covid has me stifling a cough in public like I’m trying to hide a bite wound in a zombie movie.
SON: What’s a sex tape?
ME: Er well when er a man & a woman have er intercourse they
S: No
M: No?
S: Dad. I know what sex is. What’s a tape?
90% of the men who cheat and get caught give bad name to the rest 10% who only cheat.
I’m vacuuming all the snacks out of the couch in the game room and my dog is devastated because I found her secret stash.
You should trust your gut but you should not listen to your anxiety. Good luck
You politely tap a jogger with your car one time, and suddenly you get labeled a hero.
I nervously pace around outside hospital delivery rooms so people think I’ve had sex.