INTERVIEWER: what’s your greatest strength?
ME: I’m good at untying knots
INTERVIEWER: oh thank god can u get these running shoes off of me?
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There are so many of you I would love to hug and like two that I’m afraid they’d make me into a lampshade
Other moms: I hate summer break
Me: I love summer break – I have no laundry to do since my kids never change their clothes
There wasn’t WiFi in the days of Julius or Augustus Caesar. Back then gladiators scrolling Twitter would routinely have to pay Roman charges.
[meeting girlfriend’s dad]
Me: nice to meet you, Mr. Phillips
Him: Dr, I have a PhD
Me: oh, nice to meet you Dr. Phdillips
Caught my son chewing on electrical wires.
So, I grounded him.
He’s doing better currently and conducting himself properly.
My weight loss plan is to skip breakfast and lunch…
And then eat seven dinners.
Disney can’t even make a dragon without it looking exactly like Elsa
What’s the new etiquette rule: am I supposed to wait until everyone is done photographing their meals before I start eating mine?
latin students necrophiliacs
🤝
enjoying a dead tongue
NyQuil the daytime drive your car into a ditch cold medicine.
Maybe wear your heart on the other sleeve, that one has mustard on it.
Getting older sucks. I hurt my back trying to flirt.
judge: how can this be your defense?
me: how was I to know he wasn’t cake?
#oldknees
What idiot called it chicken broth when you’re sick and not pharmasoupicals?
Saying someone is doing something “like a boss” to me is an insult because my boss does things half assed & incorrectly then blames others
Labreador
What light through yonder window breaks…
Oh, wow, the sun really shows up how dirty the glass is!
My younger brother has a PhD in material engineering, and I do stand up comedy which to be fair is also material engineering
watching annie with the kids and now they want me to put them in an orphanage so a wealthy person can adopt them
God: U have to build an ark to save the animals from a tsunami
Noah: But you’re god, can’t you just stop the tsunami
God: *loves boats* No
Hey…that’s not the wallet inspector
Ahh, birds chirping outside my window.
*lets the cat out*
*goes back to sleep*
Accidentally sucked up a ghost in my vacuum cleaner, not sure what the protocol is for this
Being a parent will make you pay much closer attention to when songs have dirty lyrics.
In unrelated news, how do you get children to stop singing at the top of their voices in public?
PILLOW: Hey, your anniversary is today, go buy her some flowers
ME: Wow, thank God for memory foam
All cars should have a robot hand built into the driver’s seat headrest. If you don’t use your turn signal, it flicks you in the ear for the rest of the trip.
Yells to my family from the kitchen, “That was the mustard squeeze bottle!”
Everyone’s family
[The Second Coming]
Jesus: “People of the Earth! I have returned with news of God’s love an-“
Voice from the crowd: “DO THE WINE TRICK”