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DeBeers ad: *Close up of eyes tearing up then a block of parmesan reggiano – man gets down on one knee*
This year, let them know it’s forever with an investment of 3 months salary in cheese.
[marriage counseling]
She thinks I’m foolish with money
“He used our life savings to buy a tiger”
YOU SAID YOU WANTED A CAT, KAREN
I’m not saying four kids is too many, I’m just saying it would be kind of cool if I could melt them all down to form one kid, that’s all.
me: [dancing in a well lit area]
Bruce Springsteen: absolutely not
Did a crunch. Sprained an ovary.
0/10. Do not recommend.
I want a fast formal restaurant. Food comes out in two minutes, but they won’t serve you unless you’re wearing a suit with tails. I think this could be a little fun while society breaks down
i speak three languages: english, bad french and the body language of an emotionally compromised and haunted male detective
My husband cleaned the kitchen for the first time in years. He’s in the living room , dressed in a suit, waiting for the award ceremony to commence
My 13 yro daughter just asked
What if “Let the Bodies Hit the Floor” & “It’s Raining Men” are about the same event, but from different perspectives?
me: see you later alligator
crocodile: [frustrated sigh]
I can’t stop watching this.
My late grandpa may not have had much as a simple circus clown, but he sure left some big shoes to Phil
I’m not a stupid person. I have a college degree. But I’ll never understand how a fan can collect so much dust when it’s constantly moving.
which auto response should i send back to my dentist?
Technology: the world is at your fingertips, you can accomplish anything!
Twitter: nope
I admire my upstairs neighbours’ commitment to cleanliness as they fire up their diesel-powered vacuum to clean their hardwood floors at 11:43 pm
Girlfriend is on her way over. Aaaaaaannd history deleted.
My mom (seriously) asked if my friend’s brother “still had down syndrome.” No mother, he walked it off.
“Sweet dreams you piece of shit.” I try to snap the prison guard’s neck but just make him look to the left very quickly.
Zodiac Killer: *serial killing*
Victim: why are you doing this?
Zodiac Killer: you know how Scorpios are lol
I know a couple who’s kids names are Zayden, Izyan and Fender. They just named their new dog Dan.
I can’t stop laughing at this I haven’t stopped laughing at this for the last 45 minutes
Disgusting if literal: Liverpool
Roses are red,
Change comes with the tide
I drink a lot of water for someone who claims to hate being alive
You know in the first “Austin Powers” when Dr. Evil tells the therapy group about his childhood? I can deliver that bit of dialog verbatim from memory.
Interviewer: Um…yes, well I’m not sure that would be particularly useful in a hospice facility.
so i guess the opposite of dateline would be friendzonesquiggle.
There’s a tiktok ad I keep seeing that’s like “STOP SPENDING $200 ON SUNGLASSES.” Ok done. Easiest task I’ve ever been given
To make sure I don’t cheat, my wife got me into cryptocurrency and that’s all I want to talk about with women now.