There’s a spider that’s been in the same place on my living room wall for an hour so he’s essentially also watching Shrek.
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i noticed you didn’t put interpretive dance on your gift registry but i went ahead and got it for you anyways
In Scooby Doo, 2021 they’re not allowed to remove the mask at the end
My landlord is pissed off at me for being naked in the front yard…and now he just asked me to leave his cookout.
This pregnancy test confirmed my worst fear… I’m just fat.
I wrapped my coat around a young girl. She was standing in the freezing cold with no coat, her shoes barely covered her feet.
She didn’t even appreciate it, she just kept screaming at me to get out of her wedding video.
Every time a bell rings an angel gets its wings. It’s always the same angel. It’s covered in wings now and wants to die but can’t
ME: i have a cold
WIFE: for the last time it’s called an ice cube
Me: *Living in the US for 18 years*
Me: *Calls mom in India everyday 9PM*
Mom: *Everyday* What time is it there?
If my husband asks, we took a lit course together in college
Don’t think that computers should be allowed to make those ‘dun-dun’ error noises at me. It’s not polite. I am trying my best.
the era of facebook check-ins was nothing but toxic chaos for our friendships. like what do you mean you’re at cvs without me.
It takes two months to get fat and two years to get in shape.
Science is a lie.
“Have you forgotten your password?”
Fish: 😔
Doctor: How did you get this black eye?
Me: Walked into a door
Doc: Really?
Me: I was using my phone lying down and dropped it on my face
I remember being about 6 years old and my grandfather did an Easter egg hunt for me and my sister. We looked for hours and found nothing. He later told us it was to teach us a very valuable lesson: Easter is not in November.
Haven’t refilled my prescriptions in a while. Which has been instrumental creating the mass grave beneath this wood shed.
Batman: *puts on glasses* Hey do I still look like Bruce Wayne?
Superman: Um obviously.
Batman: Think about that for a second.
I’m going to write a great tweet even if it kills me
The wife: write two in case you survive the 1st
UPDATE: Twitter Reacts To The Scottish Independence Referendum #indyref #ScotlandDecides
An app that makes the sound of a door slamming when you hang up on someone who pissed you off.
Cashier: Did you find everything you needed?
Me: Oh what I need you can’t find in stores, if you know what I mean.
C:
Me: Yes I’m good, thanks.
My doctor says I should try running with scissors.
It’s not an argument. I’m right, and you’re just saying things.
I’m like a swan. But not in the elegant grace way, in the way I’m surprisingly violent if you get between me and bread.
A lot of people don’t know this but if you pull the stick out of a corndog, it’ll explode like a grenade
Them: What would you do with a million dollars?
Me: Pay off student loans.
Them: And with the rest?
Me: lol “the rest.”
People always go, “Why can’t there ever be peace in the Middle East?”
We can’t even get FIVE DENTISTS to agree on a toothpaste. That’s why.
MS Office huh? So is there a *Mr* Office?
I think it’s nice when bank robbers carpool.