Please don’t ride with me if you’re gonna grab the dash or scream every time I hit a curb.
You’ll make me nervous.
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Got banned for life from rap battling for repeated use of the word dingus.
Will not visit my brother because he has an air mattress and I refuse to sleep without my Chinese throwing stars
she loves me [takes bite of hotdog]
she loves me not [takes another bite of hotdog]
Backstreet Boys: Show Me the Meaning of Being Lonely.
Me: *slow dances with cats around a pot of mac & cheese*
. : can i have that?
me: have what?
: : thanks
me. wait
⠸ : yoink
me stop that
Nobody:
Your Mom: You remember my friend Carol? Well her daughter’s coworker is having a baby.
I stood on the scale with one leg in the air and still weighed the same wtf.
Watching Jeopardy backwards would be about a panel of 3 people asking Alex Trebek questions that he always gets right.
“They’re gray with gray stripes”
– me warning my dog about skunks
It may just be the parasite talking, but I’m going to climb that super tall building over there and release all my spores.
It makes me feel sick that i come from such a long line of hypochondriacs.
what most people dont know is that you can use the trick or treat system to get large amounts of candy for free
My teens first time dusting picture frames and decided going foward that hanging them crooked would
” help the dust fall off”
mother-in-law (on FB): I’m tired of everyone being so condesending
*wife tackles me before I can write “you spelled ‘condescending’ wrong”*
Cinco De Mayo
Cinco De Ketchup
Cinco De Mustard
Cinco De Siracha
Cinco De Ranch Dressing
Accepting water from a salesperson is a sign of weakness. *faints from dehydration*
BOSS: how was your weekend?
ME: oh man i got so high
BOSS: it’s against company policy-
ME: I took a ride in a hot air balloon
BOSS: oh, haha well then-
ME: then the edibles kicked in
Just witnessed a white girl take a selfie with her coffee in Starbucks. I always heard the legends but never thought I’d see it in the wild.
Why go out and be a 3rd wheel when you can stay home and be a unicycle?
Some of you ladies must go through an astonishing amount of laundry considering how wet you always are
One man has two TCs, an ex with a troll account & a girlfriend who knows his passcode. How long does this man have to live?
Show your work.
For most people, bikini season lasts a few short summer months; but I catch enough & store them so efficiently I get to eat bikini all year round.
My wife and I spell out words so our toddler won’t understand what we’re saying, but we both spell like shit so we can’t understand what we’re saying either.
Him: are you an early bird or a night owl?
Me: I’m more of a tired afternoon duck.
December 1st:
Smoked a cigarDecember 8th:
Finally got the taste out of my mouth
North Korea banned the use of sarcasm towards the government; I wouldn’t last an hour before they executed me.
The downside to being such a good man is all the s*xual excitement it evokes in my admirers. As such, I’ve had to create a series of automated messages in my DMs to deal with all the s*xy texting requests
Breakfast is the most important meal of the day, desserts are the second most important.
COP: Is this man bothering you ma’am?
ME: She’s my wife
MY WIFE: [mouthing and nodding yes behind me]
[being murdered]
me: this is free, right?