I said “I’m not going to repeat myself”
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Me: I’m very observant
Also me: *pulls away from drive thru without order*
Aight bet
NASA is launching a new mission to say sorry to the aliens, they are calling it, “Apollo G”
Me: Bob, it’s pronounced CHANGING, not a-changin’.
Bob Dylan: ?
Me: Can someone teach Bob to say CHANGE?
*David Bowie stands up*
Me: Not you
HR: So, what would you say is your greatest strength?
Me: I’m really good at stealing office supplies.
HR: *Looks down to throw away my resume but his desk is gone* Holy shit.
When your 13yo is live streaming her makeup application in the bathroom you are obligated to open the door and loudly ask if she’s done pooping.
I just got a text from a number I don’t recognize saying, ‘You’re an embarrassment of a son’. I’ve narrowed it down to 2 people.
I’m at the age where “pop, lock, and drop” is about my knee giving out instead of dance moves
My condolences to all the pets called stupid names.
Tonight we discovered 9 memorized my phone code and 6 memorized my husband’s code.
They’re working together, we’re in trouble.
Sorry, I can’t make it. Can’t find my “goin out” sweatpants.
I don’t understand baby oil what are we greasin up all those babies for
I built an electric fence around my house. My neighbour is dead against it.
[picks up scalp massager]
Me: what’s this thing called
Store Clerk: that’s a head scratcher
Me: well take a guess my man
Retweet this and something good will happen at some point in the near future that you can choose to attribute to having retweeted this.
Me *gently touches my wife’s casket* if I could change this I would
Wife: it’s your worst birthday gift yet
Me: In my day we all had to watch the same thing, at the same time, on the same screen
My kids: NOOOOO!!!
[Job Interview]
“It says here under skills, that you can eat rice?”*Eats rice with chop sticks*
“Holy shit! When can you start?!”
I have so many chores that I need to do, what Netflix show should I binge watch?
TEACHER: Have you got anything for today’s palindrome class?
STUDENT: dammit I’m mad
TEACHER: OK, OK, I’ll ask someone else
PARENTS: your teen may be worshipping Satan. Look for these terms:
LOL – Lucifer Our Lord
BRB – Burn Religious Books
TBH – Tell Beelzebub Hi
ST BERNARD DOG: [getting ready for work] Honey have you seen my barrel?
WIFE: Which one?
SBD: The little one I wear AROUND MY NECK EVERY DAY
I explained ‘gluten allergy’ to my grandma and she sighed and told me they ate leather belts during WWII to keep from starving
Remember before you give the finger from the safety of your car, not everyone has a schedule to keep
[in the insect dissection room]
Your fly is open.
[first day as a real estate agent]
me: as you can see this is a beautiful house
client: how many floors does it have
me: *scratching head* um a lot I think there’s one in every room
Her: Can I sit down & join you?
Me: Be careful. I’m bad luck.
Her: Oh, no you’re not!
Me: (Sigh) You just sat on some gum…
[boys at work talking sports]
Them: what’s your favorite sport
Me: yeah
betcha they beat the robot dinosaurs by transforming into an asteroid.
There are 3 certainties in life
-death
-taxes
-anxiety anytime someone asks me what I’ve been up to