I hate “save the date” engagement cards. After divorce you should have to send out “hey forget about that one date 6 months ago” cards
You Might Also Like
[coronavirus pandemic diary]
Day 3: I’ve not had sex in 6 months
Me: Nice new car, boss
Boss: Well, if you set yourself targets, work hard, stay focused, next year I’ll be able to buy an even better one
Me: okay I have pizza, wings, nacho dip, mozza…
Him: hell yes, Super Bowl Sunday!
Me *mouth full of food*: uper ol wat?
Lawyer: the evidence points to him as our prime suspect
Me [lips on the mic]: tell the evidence it’s not polite to point
When people ask “what do you do” I try to seem normal by saying things like “Walk with my feet. Use water. See things that are there.”
Covid like
Searching twitter for the account of the bee that just stung me so I can pull up some of it’s old questionable tweets
Benedict Cumberbatch sounds like the fake name someone called Ben would give when he realised halfway through that giving his real name would be a bad idea.
My cooking show would just be an hour of me looking for Tupperware lids.
Bought a bag of frozen chopped onions because wedding confetti should be biodegradable and bird safe.
Me: Do you have any dreams?
Him:…I’m running on a giant hamster wheel and a squirrel wearing a tuxedo comes…
Me: ASPIRATIONS YOU IDIOT
what if your teeth were naturally flaccid and got hard when you got hungry
I like men with glasses because once they come off everything is a little blurry and I’m very okay with that
Anyone want to go on a date with me tomorrow? It’s a house chores date. You come over and help clean the house, gutters included, fix a few things. Car needs detailed too. Then when we’re done you can just ghost me
I’ve licked everything so everything is mine now
~ toddlers
A group of contradictions is called a “Bible.”
Me: I’m gonna make you groan!
Her: you mean moan?
Me: no, I’m gonna show you some of my tweets
If at first you don’t succeed, it’s called ‘Attempted’ Murder.
Cat: *purr*
Me: Good morning!
Cat: *headbutts me* *purr*
Me: Aren’t you the sweetest thing!
Cat: *kneads me* *purr*
Me: Yes, I love you too!
Cat: *plots my gruesome death* *purr*
911: what’s your emergency
me: my neighbors gone crazy, he’s screaming about superman and dragging his wife around by the hand.
911: what’s his location?
me: he’s 3 doors down
Safety first, so remember when you tell some people “go set the world on fire” you must be very clear that you are speaking metaphorically.
I’m the type of guy you could spend the rest of your life with, if you never take your meds again.
How do I like my eggs? Umm in a cake.
in dinosaur culture it’s actually really insensitive to wish upon a falling star
Mom: You look tired.
Me: Ma, don’t say that.
Mom: Sorry.
Me: Forget it.
Mom:
Me:
Mom: You look old.
Remember you could bludgeon your enemy King with a wheel of cheese and eat the evidence.
Seriously, calm down. I backed into you by accident.
Him: You hit me three times!
I saw six men kicking and punching the mother-in-law. My neighbor said ‘Are you going to help?’ I said ‘No, six should be enough.’
Me: Quick question: Did you ask me to help raise your baby, or help “braise” your baby?
Her: Are you grilling something out back? That smells delicious
Me: Please answer my question first
I have 4ish hours to sleep, but instead of doing so I’ll just complain online about how little potential sleep I have left.