Person: Hi, my name is *my brain plays 3 seconds of air horn*
Me: I’m sorry, what was that?
Person: I’m *air horn*
Me: Again?
Person:
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I’m only seeing the new Jurassic Park if the dinosaurs aren’t a metaphor for anything. Don’t want to look at a stegosaurus and have to think about neoliberalism or the modern surveillance state
Your loss, middle school cheerleading squad. Turns out I’m really good at yelling at people.
[2 Years into Cosmetology School]
Me:[applying perfect contours] When are we gonna start learning about space?
Me (digging a hole): how’s this?
My clone: at least 6 feet deeper
Me: you sure there’s treasure?
My Clone: toss me up your keys bud
Things books give you unrealistic expectations for:
-mysteriously inheriting from a stranger
-solving murders with zero actual training
-anything romantic ever
If you’re using YOLO to justify doing something stupid, remember you only DIE once too.
Inspirational tweet.
Marriage and prison are pretty much the same except in prison. sex with multiple partners is guilt free.
So I just killed a huge spider running across the floor with my shoe.
I don’t care how big the spider is, no one steals my shoe.
I always sit in the middle stall so I have a bathroom buddy.
[invention of baseball]
Guy: I’ll throw the ball
Me: and I catch it
Guy: no hit it with a stick
Me: then what?
Guy: someone else will try to catch it
Me: what if I miss?
Guy: someone else will try to catch it
Me: you could just say you don’t want to play catch with me dad
Of all the dinosaurs at yoga class, T-Rex was the worst at downward-facing dog.
Toddler boy: worry about them eating enough.
Teen boy: worry about them leaving you something to eat.
“My leg’s been hurting for 20 years.”
* my 6yr old who exaggerates and is also bad at math
If you took your large intestine and stretched it out in a straight line it would be very hard to get it back in you after that. So tangly.
Hello? Yes, this is the chair store calling, are you sitting down? No? well
Sometimes I think I’m stupid then I remind myself: Would a stupid person spend years of their life on twitter? Yeah I didn’t think so…
damn even trashcans have a better love life than i do
Fellas,
If you kill a spider while you’re at her place, congratulations. You will be having sex.P.S. Bring a spider.
“Hey dude, my eyes are up here, and over here, and over here too.”
-a potato
When a child whines and cries, you give it back to the mama, so…
*hands husband back to my mother-in-law*
Me, performing surgery:[stops midway and sticks both of my hands out to see which one is L-shaped for “left” ]
We’d been married for 5yrs before we heard the patter of tiny feet. In time even the kids learned to live with the massive rat infestation
When someone says they love me to the moon and back, I tell them that’s only about 500,000 miles and I expect more tbh.
My counselor told me that conquering my fears would end my depression, so here I am, depressed, but at the top of a mountain
I want to know where my horoscope got the outlandish confidence to say “Don’t worry about any dreams you have today, dreams don’t mean anything”
wife calling me in the grocery store: where are you???
me: i’m over in the cereal.
wife: but i’m in the cereal aisle.
me: *whispers* open the box.
so no one told you life was gonna be this way
4 year old spent 10 minutes telling me about his grazed knee and how it “really really hurts” but when he showed me it looked fine. He got mad that I couldn’t see the graze. Then he realised he was showing me the wrong knee
I don’t like the person you become when I’m on my period.