Yo. Real shit. Just bcause you went and got your logo printed on some t-shirts, that does NOT mean you have a clothing company. U got shirts
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God: LET THERE BE LIGHT.
Light: Let there be light what?
God: LET THERE BE LIGHT… PLEASE.
I went to handshake someone and he basically just gripped my thumb and I’m never going to be popular
You can tell a lot about a person by their avi.
For instance if they use an egg, they’re probably a chicken.
I bought a formal gown simply because it had pockets.
*stood on Eiffel tower watching a beautiful sunset*
Sara?
*Gets down on one knee*
*audible gasp*
“Yes?”
Help my knee is made of magnets
my idea of a perfect crime? I’ll show you
*getting hit on by someone else’s boyfriend* aw he must smell my boyfriend.
Rubbing coffee grounds on your body makes your skin glow but it also gets you kicked out of Starbucks.
If you know a girl who uses metric I’d love to meter.
my kids figured out the password to my wife’s computer and have been sending me these texts as if they were from her
“Hola! I’m Señor Coconut, children”
[cracks head on the pavement. Children scream]
“Drink me. Drink me. I’m full of vitamins and minerals”
Condensed milk is from dwarf cows
[pulls out acoustic guitar at a funeral]
alright everyone stop being all [finger quotes] sad this next 1 is dedicated to a very sexy widow.
Home Alone 2? Shame on you. Home Alone 3? Shame on me.
I just want someone to make me feel like I did the first time I figured out a special move in Mortal Kombat.
Me: “I’m looking for a psychic who rates themselves highly.”
Ian: “I’m a medium.”
Me: “I need someone better than that.”
Alligators can live up to 100 years, which is why there’s an increased chance that they will see you later.
My wife is great at multitasking. She can be mad at me for five different things at the same time.
Everyone’s gangster until they pull a push door.
doctor: how’s the weight loss plan going?
me: i’m doing my best
doctor: are….you drinking a glass of ranch?
me: best doesn’t mean good
I have a new alter ego named Princess of Optimism. You may call me Poo.
When I worked in fragrance, my friends and family would ask for samples all the time.
Now that I work in a bank… Same
One time my dad caught me smoking an e-cig so he took me out to the shed and made me smoke an entire VCR.
The adult version of Marco Polo is calling your own cell phone to track it down.
[couples therapy]
ME: She thinks I make bad decisions
WIFE: He traded our car for a skateboard
THERAPIST: *writing notes* This guy rules
i’ll see your “live laugh love” sign and raise you an “ew, people”
Guy doing yoga
Me: Poser!
Remodel Shows: “Transform your fire escape into the perfect home office.”
Boss: Do you have to be so sarcastic?
Me: Great question Dave.
If pulled over, immediately ask the officer if they’ve been drinking in order to establish dominance.