Thank you to all those people doing boring jobs with titles we don’t understand.
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This message stamped on the squeaker inside the stuffed animal my dog just destroyed
A few years ago I accidentally left one of my kids at the Alamo. It wasn’t too bad, it was less than 20 minutes when we realized. The problem is now, at 17, anytime she wants something she says, “REMEMBER THE ALAMO?” and my mom guilt takes over and she gets whatever she wants.
The nice thing about a home gym is you can scream sing to Steppenwolf while doing curls naked, and no one gives you a funny look.
[House Hunters]
*sitting in a blind, in the wilderness, waiting for a house to come*
*chimney slowly appears on the horizon*
carpooler: what’d you think “beat the traffic” meant?
ryu from streetfighter: I don’t wanna talk about it
somebody come look at this
Me: “I peed three times last night”
Her: “Don’t you hate getting up and going to the bathroom?”
Me: “Getting up?”
*Makes joke on Twitter*
*5 Retweets*
*Makes same joke on Facebook*
*5 comments from aunts saying that the joke was inappropriate*
me: *nervously approaching printer* h-hey there little guy.. kinda in a rush to print something
my printer: *territorial printer noises*
“As the crow flies” means something entirely different when it’s “in your living room” and you are “hiding in the closet with your cat.”
Granola Bars, for when you’re hungry & also want to teach your mouth a lesson
My bra randomly unhooked itself. Even it’s done with all this.
eminem: look, if you only had one shot-
me: I’d ask for more shots
eminem: you can’t… *rubbing bridge of nose* you can’t ask for more shots
Sorry I called your huge zit pimple poppenheimer
BF went to text me “almost there”
It came out “almost dead”
So hungover, I wrote back “thank god”
And now he arrived and things are awkward
I miss the days when people thought I was gross for liking cottage cheese. Now you guys are blending it up and eating it with raw Brussels sprouts and mustard? You need to cool it. Right now.
Winnie the Pooh is an addict who doesn’t wear pants and lives in the woods. If he were a person, he’d be the first suspect in every crime.
I love that earthquakes unite strangers online like nothing else. 100,000 people posting “did anyone feel that” and 100,000 other people posting “yeah”
I can’t wait when I’m old enough to blame my age on why I’m stealing batteries and cheese
Interviewer: So, what makes you think you’re a good candidate for this Automotive Shop?
Me: I tire easily.
my depression: I’m sad
my anxiety: but why now I’m worried
my depression: nothing to worry about I’m sad for no reason
my anxiety: oh cool but honestly I was just gonna worry anyway
[the first ever boomerang]
HIM: Get rid of it
ME [scared] I can’t
I think my 2 year old is behind the Netflix algorithm. He’s like “Because I liked being carefully tossed up in the air by my dad, I might also enjoy running headfirst into this doorframe”.
My mother-in-law called me a witch, but my husband was quick to defend me. He said, “Emma wouldn’t go near a broom.”
We’re way too stupid in our 20’s to be picking life partners
It’s weird that Usher doesn’t have ANY songs about showing people to their seats…
These days I just accept the website cookies without any protest. Website is like Grandma I’m not gonna fight with you.
[first date]
ME: Wanna get out of here and *looks around nervously* go to separate places separately?
At Christmas, a eight year old asked if I had ever heard of smash bros.
Nope never, let’s play, I’m sure I’ll have beginners luck
Dipping your cats in blue paint and watching them chase each other is 1000x more entertaining than Avatar.