*Gandalf rollerblades into the club*
“YO DJ PLAY SOME DIRTY DUBSTE–
*slips on a drink & lands flat on face* “SCRAP THAT CALL AN AMBULANCE
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trainer: Why are you here?
everyone else: To get fit!
me [with a mouthful of gummy bears] Mmfff
I wish my kids are as committed to turning off the lights as they are at forcing their way into my bathroom to say “You’re eating my Kit Kats!”
Ever hate someone so much you decide to start eating healthy just so you can watch them die first?
Me: Good night.
Brain: Night.
Brain: But if dog bacon existed would you eat it?
Under ‘medical history’, we were hoping for something more specific to you personally. You wrote “Fleming discovered penicillin in 1928”.
Something we don’t talk about enough re: climate change is that it will eventually get so hot that the goth lifestyle will become unsustainable, which means humanity’s most precious resource- hot goth chicks- will be extinct by 2040
*brushes teeth for seventeen hours straight before dentist appointment*
“Jessica, there is an entire Oreo behind your second molar.”
I’m against the marriage of anyone whose first instinct is to film and then show the world their elaborate proposal.
When I asked for some alone time, I didn’t mean when I was bringing in the groceries.
I’m always disappointed when I board a plane and there’s no handsome man running after me to stop me. Thanks, hollywood.
Child just ran by screaming WHERE’S THE PLUNGER GET TOWELS LOTS OF TOWELS so anyway how is your day going?
I keep the peace. As a hoarder, I keep pretty much everything.
It is I, three potatoes in a trench coat, here to avenge the death of my father, big daddy spud bottom
to be Frank, i would have to change my name.
me: my friends:
Hitler ruined the Charlie Chaplin mustache for everyone.
ME: *as a surgeon* What’s the worst that could happen? Your nose buzzes & we put all the pieces back & start over…Where are you going?
[in bed]
ME: [turning off table lamp] I’ve finally finished my book
WIFE: What happened in the end?
ME: I saw his stripy shirt behind a tree
I open my wallet and an accordion of pictures fall out but they’re all of me holding loaves of bread like a fish I caught.
Thinking about my friend who wanted to explore her bisexuality and finally plucked up the courage to go to an ‘introduction to beavers’ workshop at the lesbian camp at a festival we were at, and it was an ecologist talking about beavers (the mammal) for 90 minutes
“Members of the jury, how do u find the defendant?”
“we… can’t find him at all”
“DAMMIT THIS IS THE 3RD MURDER WALDO HAS GOTTEN AWAY WITH”
When people tell me they trust a product because ‘It’s natural.’, I like to remind them that arsenic is also natural.
[Checks for abs]
Abs : I have a boyfriend
son: “NO! Make me a sandwich like mommy makes it!”
I begin remaking the same sandwich, this time while drinking a bottle of wine and calling my sister-in-law to complain about my weight gain.
If you dont sin, Jesus died for nothing!
Love is that feeling you get when you meet someone that makes you forget about all of your problems cuz they’re causing all new problems.
With every wisdom tooth lost, your mouth gets a little stupider.
Whoever speaks at my funeral will probably just look over at my casket and say “well, she was always kind of like this.”
Indiana Jones and that one time he went to his actual job
My ancestors didn’t walk out of the jungle, cross continents, interbreed with at least two other types of hominids, survive wars and plagues and cross an ocean for me to have to eat an untoasted bagel.