Me: GIMME FUEL GIMME FIRE GIMME THAT WHICH I DESIRE
Barista: Once again, I’m going to need a specific coffee order
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I hope this tweet finds you in contact with reality.
“What’s taking the pharmacist so long? It’s just one prescription”
*behind the counter the pharmacist is sinking in quicksand and screaming*
I don’t know what’s funnier, the fact that our new broom came with instructions or that my husband is actually reading them
People I hate when I’m driving:
1. Everyone. I hate everyone when I’m driving.
Someone is yelling!
The voice is familiar…
How they rave and they rant!
Is it Jackman?
Or, Laurie?
Hefner or Grant?– Horton Hears a Hugh
“Uh, Mom?” said my 6 year old. “Look at your child.”
So I looked, and there, sitting cross-legged in a miniature lawn chair, was my 2 year old drinking A1 sauce straight out of the bottle.
I’m watching Peppa Pig right now and I’m wondering what Papa Pig’s side hustle is that he can afford to take his whole family the Paris on a cement inspector’s salary.
Presidential election season; that special time every four years when we find out who we just really shouldn’t be friends with anymore.
When you go out with a couple on the brink of divorce.
I am not paying for a full year membership at the Y when I only need the pool long enough to hold one hamster Viking funeral.
Dear crush,
If there ever comes a day when you no longer find something to eat, I’m still here…
I mean, there’s food in my fridge 😏
I miss being a baby and having milestones. No one cares if you’re an adult and can lift your head or roll over on a blanket.
Yep.
Hey geese crossing the road, u can fly.
Facebook: Do you know this person?
Me: Yes!
Facebook: Do you want to connect?
Me: Absolutely not.
Until public restrooms have automatic doors, the automatic sinks, soap and paper towel dispenser will make no sense to me.
[IKEA-themed restaurant]
Maitre-d: is your table ready yet?
ME: I’ll take it
AUTO SALESMAN: this is the car you drove here
ME: perfect
First time drinking whiskey.
Barman: And this one is 15 years old.
Me: Do you have any fresh ones?
You’re not allowed to be an eyewitness on the news unless you’re the most confused person at the scene.
dog 911: what’s your emergency
dog: there’s an intruder
dog 911: is he in your house?
dog: no, he’s across the street
dog 911: that’s not a problem
dog: what if he comes over here?
dog 911: OH GOD WHAT IF HE DOES
dog: SHOULD I BARK?
dog 911: FOR THE LOVE OF DOG YES
[Funeral]
Me: “Do you mind if I say a word?”
Widow: “Please do”
Me *clears throat: “Plethora!”
Widow: “Thank you. That means a lot.”
I call bullshit on vampires that look all sexy and shit when they can’t even see their reflection
6: I’m hungry
Me: Well it’s almost dinner time so no snacks right now
6: If it’s almost dinner why aren’t you in the kitchen?
Husband: Oh no
Me: Forever young!
Persistent middle age chin hair: lol nope.
Muscle pulled when reaching for the tv remote: hahaha.
“Regardless of what Newton said, gravity is really just a theory that you humans choose to accept as fact. If you simply refuse to take it as a given, then the whole paradigm shifts. Anyway Brenda, if you’ve got a minute, the litter in my box could really use a change.”
Wanna know what 1000 marbles spilling on a tile floor sounds like?
Have kids.
*runs away from Satan*
*runs towards cake*
Quarantine day 6: Went to this restaurant called The Kitchen. You have to gather all the ingredients and make your own meal. I have no clue how this place is still in business.
[comes home from a day away]
Kids: Guess what we did today?!?
Me: Played monopoly, ate pizza, painted, cut paper, had ice cream.
Kids: How’d you know?!?
Me: *looking at everything out* Lucky guess