This total stranger wanted to have a spontaneous tickle fight on the street and…oh…nope, never mind I’m being robbed. Guys I’m being rob
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Table for six please?
“Is your party coming soon or?”
[Takes 4 turtles and a rat out from coat] I’m going to need booster seats
Wife: Is he called Batman because he flies at night?
Me: Kinda. But mainly a traumatic childhood bat thing
Wife: So Spiderman had a traumatic spider thing?
Me: No. Bitten by a radioactive spider
Wife: So is Antman childhood trauma or radioactive bite?
Me: No
If I ever met a Space Alien, I’d resist shaking its extended appendage, not knowing for sure the details of alien anatomy.
I got a locket as a present, but I haven’t changed the stock photos in it yet. Currently I have been walking around with a baby and a dog I don’t know around my neck.
The people at this winery are acting like they’ve never seen someone pull a rotisserie chicken out of a purse before.
“Damn you, Autocorrect!!!!” – Mark Zuckerberg, who had intended to announce that he was giving away 99% of his socks
Wedding DJ took it down a notch and was like, “Y’all, throw your hand up if you found that special someone. Now put your hand up if you found an ancient tomb. Keep your hand up if it feels like the ancient tomb found you.”
[movie]
*guy hugs woman from behind while she cuts vegetables*
wife: Awwme*does same thing*
wife:ARE YOU TRYING TO MAKE ME LOSE A FINGER?!
When I was younger I also blamed Jewish people for all my problems and thought they were part of a conspiracy to control and ruin my life. Turns out they were just being good parents.
Feeling pretty tough lately and thinking about joining a gang. Any of you guys need an accountant?
[guy who’s about to invent dates]
*eating a meal* what if I could disappoint someone else at the same time?
There’s nothing like the joy on a kid’s face when he first sees the PlayStation box containing the socks I got him for Christmas.
There are two owls inside you. You are going to nail this interview at Hooters.
dam girl
[arguing with my wife]
WELL AT LEAST I DON’T BRING UP THINGS FROM THE PAST LIKE YOU DID LAST MONTH
where’s Godzilla when we need him
People who make blanket statements are completely horrible & have no redeeming qualities.
Dads will leave 3 Frosted Flakes in the box and tell you it’s enough for a bowl
Him: I’ve never had any broken bones
Me: *remembers his profile said he loves trying new things* Noted
I think one of the toughest parts about growing up is realizing that you don’t sweat blue if you drink blue Gatorade.
If the Earth is only 5000 years old, how do you explain Cher?
If dolphins are so smart, how come they work at Sea World?
I just wish my ex-wife could look down from Heaven and see me
now.But no, she’s still alive.
I’ve been called a “female comic” so many times, I’ll probably only be able to answer to “girl daddy” when I have children.
Do you realize that if real women had the same proportions as Barbie they’d be only 11.5 inches tall?
Simultaneously brilliant and awful.
“Are you already hot as shit? Then you’ll look hot as shit in our glasses” – Every glasses ad
“Quit” is not in my vocabulary but “resign”, “drop out”, and “give up” are.
Jill on Facebook is trying to find a way to get cat diarrhea out of suede boots and I don’t think I’m hungry for lunch anymore. .
WIFE: Ok *deep sigh* why are you in the bathtub w/ a horse?
ME: [soaping behind Mr Butters’ ears] It’s called a stable relationship, Thelma