I hate when I’m drunk and someone says “I’ll talk to you in the morning” like I’m not gonna be drunk then too.
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[Doctor’s Office]
Sir, it appears you have takes-everything-literally disease.
“Is it bad, doc?”
Yes, but bear in mind-
AHHHHHHHHHHHHHH
If a mass murderer on death row ordered a Klondike Bar for his last meal I bet it would explain a lot.
[my first day at Marvel Comics]
Me: [calling my mom] I already created a new superhero!
Boss: [bursting into my office, furious] who tf is the Couscousinator?!
Kids will do something that makes you angry and you’ll tell them it makes you angry and they’ll cry and tell you they don’t want you to be angry while continuing to do the thing that makes you angry.
Her: Treat me mean, do bad things to me!
Me: *changes the WiFi password*
I really would love to see two mimes arguing
Me: Facebook is trying to silence me!!!
My wife: no I just changed ur password because you kept replying “wow…really??” to all our friends posts
After my second “oh shit that’s crazy” it’s time to wrap up your story.
Me: what’s this fee?
Bank: your savings balance is zero. minimum balance is $50.
Me: ok
Bank: we charge a fee if it drops below that
Me: do you know how money works?
I love when fanfic writers write about seedy nightclubs because you can tell so instantly that they have never in their lives been inside one.
It’s like a zoo lion dreaming of the savanna
Computer: would you like to update?
Me: remind me tomorrow
[tomorrow]
Me: I did not see this coming
If the zombie apocalypse hits and you all need a twist tie, my mom has everyone covered.
INTERVIEWER: under skills you’ve listed “gets jokes” ME: haha, very good. good one sir, haha
Me [proudly]: This is my son. He’s 10, a fine artist & great at math
Nurse: That’s a garbage can & your morphine drip is still attached
“What a tangled web we weave”
-Earbuds
I saw a car with a flat tire so I offered to help. She tells me to hurry cause she has a hair appoinment..This is how serial killers r born
Creepy guy at gas station: you got boyfriend?
Me: um yes. I’m married.
CG: *shrugs* your loss.
Me:
CG:
No animal is more conniving and deceptive than Guinea Pigs, whom are neither pigs or from Guinea.
[speed dating]
Me: Have you ever choked someone?
“No I would never do something like that”
Me: Next
It sucks being my parents ugliest kid and also an only child
Shout out to whichever childless person invented toys that erupt in an epic sound and light show when you toss em in the toy box at night.
Cop: have you been drinking?
Stork: no
Cop: please step out of the vehicle and stand on one leg
Stork: you have no idea who you’re dealing with
*removes turban to reveal an even more seductive turban*
Stranger: I’m calling from inside the house.
Me: *screams* Wait, do I have a landline?
A time capsule but it’s just the back of the fridge
*Hands girl a card that says Be Mine*
Girl: Aw that’s so sweet
*Pulls out a pickaxe*
Me: Come on, do it I need some iron ASAP lady!
“Opps” is my favorite typo because it suggests the thrill of a secret counterinsurgency.
Obama: Didn’t think he’d be late
Biden: I gave him the wrong address
Obama: Joe he’s the president-elect
Biden: idgaf what they call him
My house isn’t messy.
It’s ‘Picasso-ish’.
Speed dating?
You mean pizza delivered in less than 30 mins…