Never be afraid to acknowledge your accomplishments
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putting a tray of fancy snacks on the roomba and pretending i have a small idiot butler
[talking to bouncer]
Me:let me in
Bouncer: not after last time
Me:would a Washington convince you?
Bouncer: no
George Washington: c’mon man
Of all the cheeses, sharp cheddar is the most difficult to deceive.
[group therapy]
Frankenstein’s Monster: Nnaaahhhrr
Pavlov’s Dog: I know, right? They just couldn’t be bothered to give us names. Nothing worse than that.
Schrödinger’s Cat: There might be.
“WHAT IS THAT NOISE?”
“Mom…”
“IS IT DEATH METAL?”
“It’s…”
“ARE YOU A DEVIL WORSHIPPER?!”
“One Direction.”
“ARE YOU GONNA KILL THE DOG?!”
ESPN was showing the 1997 spelling bee smh, like a spelling bee is even a sprot.
Me: they didn’t have cell phones when I was a kid
5: they also didn’t have cars
Lose wallet.
Panic.
Ask everyone if they’ve seen it.
Tear your car and house apart.
Drive all over the city retracing your steps.
Give up.
Cancel credit and debit cards.
Find your wallet under a piece of paper on the nightstand.
Blame the dog
my mom: we found this under your bed and we are very disappointed *pulls out copy of “drugs for dummies”*
my dad: lol nerd
[lawyer whispers to plaintiff]
two can play this game
“Your honor. Upsexy.”
Judge: what’s upsexy?
“that’s harassment. move to change venues”
every grocery store becomes an escape room if you see someone you know
Will I ever see the word “antipasta” on a menu and not think on dumb reflex “wow, pasta’s nemesis”
Apple will start making Macs in America. In related news, Macs will now cost 3 billion dollars. #SOTU
[first date]
Me: Do you prefer awkward silence or awkward conversation?
Her:
Me: Yeah, good choice.
when the news anchor says “if you know anything about the crime please contact police”
dont call the police and re-tell the news story
Hey ghosts, I just updated my kitchen with open shelving good luck slamming the cupboards you nerds
A $300 dollar bat won’t fix a $2 dollar swing
-life lessons from Softball Coach
I’m seriously considering adoption who wants me.
My sister’s fiance is visiting from England on Friday, i thought I’d surprise him so I’ve been driving on the wrong side of the road
It’s the weekend, baby! Time to sit in my neighbor’s tree and make bird noises
Benedict Cumberbatch sounds like the fake name someone called Ben would give when he realised halfway through that giving his real name would be a bad idea.
And here I am – not at Coachella – again. Thank the gods.
Croc store. Rooster walks in.
Salesman: How may I help you?
Rooster: A Croc or two will do.
DAD i can’t stay with your wife in same home.. she’s hiding all my snacks.
Me (young, foolish): refrigerator may I have a few ice cubes?
Refrigerator (old, wise): one or one-thousand, there is no few
My parents ruined my childhood by not moving to a small town with a dark secret that i could uncover with a group of misfits
I bet you 5390.24$ you can’t guess how much money I owe my parents.
“Fidget toys” is just a term used by folks who got tired of folks yelling at them to stop flipping their goddamn keys.
Sleep is basically free drugs, so people who think you need less sleep are narcs
I need a Waze app, but for my walks. Instead of “vehicle on shoulder ahead” it says “person on trail ahead” so I can detour to avoid any human interaction.