Me food shopping alone: $250.00
Food shopping w/the husband: $99.75
Food shopping with the kids: $699.00
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Jesus Christ. They stole your tweet. Not your first born son.
What sort of drug abuse and debauchery has to occur in someone’s life for them to start liking Charmin Toilet Paper on Facebook?
If there’s a Supreme Court, there must be a Pepperoni Court and a Cheese Court.
Stop sending me this shit.
cat owners be like don’t worry he only scratches if you pet him or feed him or call him or touch him or make noise or walk past him or
Ominous music should play when you meet the wrong ppl.
Therapist: “How does this make you feel?”
Me: “Feel?”
“Sooth.”
-a soothsayer
HER: i can’t be with a guy who thinks he’s Optimus Prime
ME: i can change, Becky
HER:
ME: into a semi truck
If you’re feeling jealous because someone you know is posting photos of an amazing vacation that you could never afford, remember this: Now is an excellent time to break into their home and steal stuff.
“We were trapped in the elevator and had to make a terrible decision”
Which was?
“We ate Bill”
OMG. How long were you in there?
“4 minutes”
“Well can I at least pop home quick and get changed?”
-Me, getting my mugshot taken in my Chewbacca onesie
Remember in the boardgame Life when you had kids and collected money? HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA
“When do we learn how to breathe underwater?” My kid, overestimating his swimming lessons.
“god has a plan for you” ok well i have some notes for him
My husband says none of my metaphors make any sense. He is just an empty canoe in the snow.
Me: Dude, back off. You’re totally scaring away all the hot guys checking me out at the gym.
H: You do realize I’m your husband, right?
Why do I have so many emails?
I don’t mean mail, I mean addresses.
February 27th, 2020.
I’m 44 years old, standing on the roof, in 40mph winds, of the largest supplier of calamari in the United States…fighting off psychotic seagulls with a broom.
Never give up on your dreams, kids.
Me to my first grade class: Everyone please close your eyes for a minute.
6yo: Did you forget to put on your deodorant again?
[emptying dishwasher]
HOW IN THE HELL DO I FIT ALL THESE COFFEE CUPS IN THE CABINET
A winged baby shooting people with a bow and arrows. Yeah, what wouldn’t turn me on about that?
When I die, I want to be buried in a random field without a casket or teeth, so I can be an unsolved mystery one day.
*hires skywriter*
YOU CAN’T BLOCK ME
Coffee so hot I give it my real phone number.
Pro tip: Spice up your next blood ritual by writing all the chants in iambic pentagrameter.
Anyone who feels bad about dumping a huge national debt on the next generation hasn’t spent a lot of time around teenagers.
If the headline just read “Kanye West Acts Like a Shithead,” news sites could reuse it over and over again.
Me: sorry I rode a giraffe to your grandmas funeral
Friend: what? that’s not a giraffe
Me: sorry I’m on drugs at your grandmas funeral