“Sorry, we’re clothed” – Manager at a Nudist resort
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I’m unpredictable. Like a dad on a field trip.
*gets pulled over*
Do you know how fast you were going?
*pulls string*
*inflates emergency mustache*Oh sorry officer. You’re free to go.
Cashier: Will you be paying with credit card, Apple Pay, Google Pay, Tap To Pay, fruit, nuts, or the blood of a tiger?
Me: *hands cash*
If I wanted to drive my wife insane, I’d secretly raise a colony of bees & place one new bee inside of her car each morning for ten years.
“That was supposed to be a compliment.”
-Men
[Bomb will explode in 26 seconds]
*googles “how to defuse a bomb”*
*clicks top result*
*it’s a 17-page slideshow.*
GODDAMMIT
*an ad plays*
Woke up screaming this morning. My apologies to everyone in the meeting.
[6 PM]
Tween:
[7 PM]
Tween:
[8 PM]
Tween:
[9 PM]
Tween: I need a poster board for school tomorrow.
Krampus.
the end of twitter is taking forever did tolkien write this
I threw old quinoa under my feeder and now the squirrels are walking around in Lululemon pants and requesting coconut water.
For anyone who says parents can’t have Friday night fun, I’m at Target right now buying toilet paper.
So, yeah, you’re right.
Interviewer: How would you say the Queen’s response…
Prince William: Definitely not racistly!
My young nephew said that people with glasses should only be able to marry other people with glasses. He’s like a tiny Republican senator.
Oh to be a house cat and simply slap the shit out of anything in front of me that I do not understand
An example of men’s inability to understand women – Me: I have Nothing To Wear!! Him: Awesome!
[first date]
I’m really nervous about this. It’s been a long time since I’ve [holds fork up and squints] used silverware.
“Better safe than sorry,” I say, as I key my phone number into the side of his car
Why are trains so expensive? You going that way anyways, just drop me off
How many boats could Lisa Kudrow row if Lisa Kudrow could row boats?
My glasses are dirty but I don’t want to move from the couch so I guess TV’s blurry from now on
[Frat party]
Everybody: CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG-
CHUCK: {walking into the room} ME ME ME- oh.
Me: *on the TV show “House Hunters”* There’s a house. And there’s one. Ok there’s like 5 right next to each other.
It’s a proud parenting moment seeing your kid throw away their own trash. You may also solve the mystery of the missing silverware.
If i had 5 pancakes and someone asked for 2, I’d still have 5 pancakes.
SOLDIER: Yankee Oscar Uniform Romeo Foxtrot Lima Yankee India Sierra Delta Oscar Whiskey November
CAPTAIN: Lima Oscar Lima!
Recreational running is the muggle equivalent of drinking unicorn blood. Sure, you’ll probably live longer, but at a terrible price.
Wife: Honey! Dan is here!
Me: Dan from work? Or Dan who changes all his swears into bunny-related PG cusses?
Dan: That’s right jack rabbits, Dan is all up in this motherthumper!
God *creates dinosaurs* these are perfect
Dinosaur: Are you dino-sure hahaha
God *creates asteroids*