Guess who I bumped into on the way to see my eye doctor?
Everyone…
You Might Also Like
Geico commercials should just show pictures of Lindsay Lohan and Amanda Bynes and say “people like this are out there.”
being an adult is just complaining how tired you are and then staying up till 3am reading r/aita
“We survived WW2 we can get through Brexit!”
“Gareth you are 41 and have never even gone paintballing what the absolute shit are you talking about”
Sure, sex is great but have you ever had to pee really bad and managed to reach the washroom just in the nick of time?
Whole ‘nother level!
Serial killers have ruined my opinion of people with three names. Sorry Carly Rae Jepsen your music is great but I dont trust you
if your boyfriend insists he rolls everywhere because it’s ‘faster than walking’, my friend, you may be dating a gamer.
me: *holding bowling ball*
friend: going bowling?
me: nope— playing enormous marbles
Watching Jaws with my 6 year old because I’m sick of going to the beach
If you vote for yourself, does something blue appear like when you pee in a pool?
He’s eating a burger and fries all nom nom nom and I’m over here eating a salad all non non non.
[SETI receives extraterrestrial signal from 95 light years away]
[scientist decodes message in the signal]
“enough…with…the…Harambe…jokes”
Bought myself an Xbox so when one of the kids asks me for something I can tell them I’ll do it after this level.
Hungover parenting is like being in an Alien movie. You’re scared because there are fast moving creatures all around you, and you really don’t want them to jump on you.
Me: I’m so over him
Vodka: No you’re not, you should text him
Me: Really?
Vodka: Yes! 25 times
*flips over table*
*table flips back up*
Table: You got a problem?
Me: DO YOU?
Table: …
Me: HUH?
Table: …
Me: I SAID DO WE HA-
Table: No
[high school reunion]
“Hey aren’t u the kid who used to lie and throw people under the bus all the time?”
No that was Tyler.
*shaking chip crumbs into my mouth*
May it please the Court.
Gonna teach a bunch of old white guys the word “bae” so teens stop thinking it’s cool and it goes away forever.
Sometimes a man has needs that can’t be fulfilled in the home.
[goes to animal shelter and pets all the cats]
The only thing worse than discovering that celery is an aphrodisiac, is knowing that people who eat celery may actually have sex.
If you pregnant, dont swallow bubblegum….. it stick to ya baby hair….
I won’t believe Johnny Depp is engaged until I’ve seen he’s put a ring, 90 bracelets, 7 scarves, a fedora and an ugly pair of glasses on it.
I need to go shopping for a new outfit. Anyone know who sells sizes OMFG and WTF happened?
14 Valentine’s Day jokes that laugh in the face of Cupid
Woman love a men with good grammar
Make there knees week by writing them a love letter or too.
Charm me with your intelligence or just wait till I’m really drunk.
It would be so creepy if instead of crying, babies were born laughing.
there are no buff wizards in Harry Potter, no gym in Hogwarts, no-one does a push-up at any point. I could crack Ron Weasley’s spine like a glowstick
If the vaccine gives me any superpower, I hope that it is the ability to find my car in a parking lot
I have an admission that will shock some people. It’s not something I’m proud of and I hope I’ll be given a little grace, but I’ll understand if not.
Here goes….
My hips have lied. Like…a lot.