We’re starting this social distancing thing as a family of six but given how everyone is getting along on day one, we might end up a family of four.
You Might Also Like
Halfway through my stand-up routine I started getting heckled. The crowd shouted such insults as “This sucks” and “Stop it” and “Why are you doing this to us, Mom?”
Husband [through locked door]: “I know you’re up, I saw your instagram post.”
Very proud of how these turned out. I bought them from a store like a normal person.
Me: I just killed a HUGE spider!
Him: It was actually a piece of yarn.
Me: A HUGE, scary piece of yarn!
Me: Go to bed
4-year-old: But I have questions!
Me: You’re stalling
4: I need to know!
Me: What?
4: What if I meet a talking doughnut?
*on first date*
Did you know that wool sweaters are the closest you can legally come to being inside a sheep?
*prepares to cook vegetarian chili* *spills the beans* Whoa, I suppose you could call that.. *lowers shades with a spatula*.. Kidney failure
Tried belly dancing but ended up looking like an insect about to die.
Me: well that didn’t age well
My Mirror:
You give me that many goddamn birds for one f****** holiday and I’m grilling the shit out of them. Lemon pepper turtle doves, anyone?
The existence of egg nog presupposes the existence of other, more obscure nogs.
[First target practice]
Son: I missed
Stormtrooper Dad: I know, I’m proud of you son.
my husband has been taking sailing lessons and instead of putting it on our calendar like a normal person he prefers to stand up abruptly, stare out the window, and proclaim “I must go to the sea!”
please dont announce your new job. im on twitter trying to have a good time and to spread misinformation
Pro-Tip: If you’re going to use chlorophorm on someone make sure you don’t inhale it yourself.
Because of Gwen Stefani I can spell bananas so I wish she’d write a song where she spells restaurant.
No one lies to themself more than the person that says they’ll do the dishes after they “relax for a little bit”.
Me: I can’t handle this
People: Ask for help
Me: Ok, who do I ask?
People: It’s so important to ask for help
Me: Right but I can’t afford-
People: shh you can’t do it alone, ask for help!
Me: How, where, what do I do
People *putting a finger over my lips*: Ask 👏For 👏Help 👏
My wife says the kids look just like their father…
…and if I ever find out who he is, he’s got some explaining to do
If by multitasking you mean ruining my life in more than one way at a time, then yes, I’m multitasking.
Video Games in the 80s: Run! Jump! Eat this flower! Collect the coins!
Video Games Now: You are a broken man, haunted by the choices you’ve made. You do not fear the sweet embrace of death, but you still have unfinished business.
Someone wished me a Happy Independence Day and I told him this is America, and we say Merry Christmas here, buddy.
[describing criminal to sketch artist]
No, his eyes were closer together than that, like a concussed mouse. He had a Spanish skeleton.
The printer is only printing blank pages, and it’s like it can read my mind.
Me: sandwich for lunch?
6yo: noooo!!!
Me: how about salami, tomatoes, cheese & bread?
6: YES!!I win.
cop: are you high?
me: if i was high could i do this? *vaults over car hood and does 360 no scope*
cop: did you just say “asterisk vaults ov
When singers at concerts hold out the mic for the audience to sing, it’s like what am i, your maid
“‘ey kid READ THE SIGN!”
If you enjoy kazoo music at 7am, I would recommend having children.
dating tip #4: when meeting her brother for the 1st time make sure when he goes for the handshake u kiss him on the lips to assert dominance