I start opening a delivered package before I even get back inside and my wife can let her packages sit unopened on the table for a week. Which one needs therapy?
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My idea to call our weekend bicycling group the “Pedalphiles” was not well-received AT ALL.
My apartment is a mess, I should move
I got an online ancestry test done, then fourteen of my relatives were arrested.
I don’t want to be cremated when I die. I want my body thrown on a group of unsuspecting, cocky teens in a haunted house.
BANK ROBBER: I said keep your hands up!
ME: *Exasperated sigh* The whole time?!
10:20
10:25
10:21
10:23
10:22– Parallel parking my time machine
me: how much for the boquet of dogs
girl walking dogs: huh
me: *slipping her $5* how about now
Me: We’ve eaten nonstop for four straight days.
Wife: I know. It’s awful.
Me: So… we can either eat AGAIN— or we could go into the other room and burn a few calories…
Wife: I’ll preheat the oven.
* eats all the leftover pie I can’t fit in the fridge.
* starts “Practical Solutions” YouTube channel.
My mom: I cringe when I hear people say things like “I got my hair did” or “I’m shook”
My niece: ok grammar
My son used to check under the bed for monsters. So once I hid under there – so he’d see me and laugh. Anyway, child therapy is pricey.
Become a parent to discover how angrily you can serve someone crackers.
I followed this woman on a bike with an empty baby seat for a half a mile yelling, “your baby jumped out!” before she gave me the finger.
BOSS: why are you late?
ME:
No you can’t throw a ham at the rotor blade so it slices the ham up, that’s literally the first thing we taught you in helicopter school
To whoever has my voodoo doll, can you stop making me stare at my phone all day? This isn’t funny. I just want to live life again.
Do regular dogs see poilce dogs and think “oh shit it’s the cops let’s run.”
I fill the pantry with healthy snacks and then get mad when we don’t have any junk food in the house.
“I may not be a “pilot” or know anything about “flying”, but here’s how I’d land this baby…”
– what teachers hear when parents tell them how to run their classrooms
My 4yo is now doing the “I definitely don’t need to go to the toilet” dance
“Did he just do that by himself?” 🛹 🐈 😎
🔊 Sound up
Me: I’ll end up doing the laundry later or later.
Husband: Don’t you mean “I’ll do it sooner or later”?
Me: Aww thanks babe, I hate laundry.
normal people kissing:
•sensual
•butterflies in ur stomach
•ur the only two people in the worldpeople with glasses kissing:
•clink
•clank
•ok lets take them off
•wait where’d u go
•u feel cold
•oh that’s a lamp
If there really was a Purge, and all crime was legal for one night, I’d probably do something super crazy, like loiter.
“What do you want? I’m very busy.”
“Afternoon, ma’am, my name is-“
“Who is it, Mom?”
“No one, go finish your homework.”
Me: I’ve been tired for 10 years.
Kid: Hey, that’s how old I am!
Me: Weird…
Me: What a gorgeous day! I’m going to *make the most of it.
*Pulls open the blackout curtains exactly one inch
[Being murdered]
(with every stab, i move my body so that the murderer strikes acupuncture points which, to his dismay, makes me feel great)
11.45: Arrived at crime scene
11.45: Examined body. Signs of a struggle
11.45: Found murder weapon in drain
11.45: Realised watch was broken
Me: I’d like a neck tattoo
Tattoo artist: okay, of what?
Me: I just told you
Tattoo artist:
Me: on my forearm