sergeant: we drop in at 0800 hours.
me: HOOAH!!!
sergeant: and let me remind you these are highly trained insurgents this will be no picnic.
[places wicker basket back in locker]
me: *tearing up* ʰᵒᵒᵃʰ
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ME: I need a new phone, this one got wet
VERIZON: How’d you get it wet
ME: I talked dirty to it
HIM: ……
ME: Water asshole. How else?
It’s not a competition, we’re both tired and I’m way more tired than you.
B
‘To do’ list:
1. grocery shopping
2. pay the rent
3. post grandma’s birthday card
4. try not to kill anyone with my death stare
5. laundry
awesome draft from months ago i just found
Snow is magical. It turns 6 parking spaces into 4.75 parking spaces.
I threw out a jar of expired protein powder and some jacked up raccoons beat the shit out of me a week later.
Bought a bag of frozen chopped onions because I want to start crying slowly today
A good hack to make my house look clean and tidy in the evening is to turn all the lights off.
[DUI checkpoint]
Cop: I’m gonna need you to follow my finger
Me: As long as it doesn’t tweet inspirational stuff
You can’t scare me. You’re not my child telling me that she’s tidied my bedroom and that there’s a surprise..
Dont be worried about your smartphone and TV spying on you.
Your vacuum has been gathering dirt on you for years!
when my nephew says the bad word i taught him:
Joey does not share food! Except it’s me slapping my nephew’s hand away from my pancakes.
Netflix would be by far the best dating site. “Here are 9 other singles in your area who have also watched Pokemon for 12 straight hrs”
Do you know beforehand your dog is a cadaver dog, or do your first several walks always happen to end with finding a body?
*i drop my pen at work*
Guy who backpacked around Europe: that reminds me of this little village in the north of Romania
Any refunds available?…
There’s no such thing as bad press.
Johnson & Johnson: Hold my Beer!
It’s not the holidays until I see two minivans with red noses lock antlers over a parking space at Target.
Before I go out binge drinking I always eat a stick of butter. It doesn’t do anything I just make really poor life choices.
Replying to all emails with “ya think?”.
9: What did that message on the TV say
Me: It said, the film has been modified to fit our screen
9: How do they know what size TV we have?
HIM: You know what we should do at our wedding reception?
[at the same time]
ME: Murder-suicide
HIM: The chicken dance!
The next person to tell me a joke about Indians & call centers is getting beaten to death with my snake charming flute.
Remember everyone’s fighting their own private battle. For example we’re out of corn chips so I ate salsa with potato chips and lost part of my soul
Turned on the telly and there’s all the Kings horses and all the Kings men, so I assume they’re on their way to some egg related emergency.
My grandma had a lock installed on her medicine cabinet poor thing no one’s ever going to visit her again
Why put it in my calendar when I can just wait until someone texts me “Where the hell are you?”
Just found out there’s a bug called the tarantula hawk wasp and I’m like holy shit maybe just pick one terrifying predator to name it after.