I just killed two birds with one stone and my next door neighbor looks horrified.
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I set my alarm in a way to try to trick morning-me into getting up earlier, but morning-me is a math wizard and cannot be fooled.
You bring home one goat and suddenly you’re not allowed to go to the farmers market unsupervised anymore.
The bear scene from The Revenant, except it’s just me opening a jar of pickles
*first day as a coach*
Me: ok gang so we should go with a zonal defence here, remember to watch the runners and stick to the plan, goooo team!
Player: *whispering* guys I don’t think coach has played golf before
People say I mangle metaphors, but you can’t make an omelet without beating a few dead horses.
Him: Do you gamble?
Me: I don’t even sneeze without crossing my legs.
*falls dramatically on therapist’s sofa* the barista touched the mouth hole
Bed salesman: I know it’s a lot of money but you spend 35% of your life on it.
Me: 35%?!?… amateur
My good friend has been fired because he slept with one of his patients. After 7 years of medical school, what a waste of time, effort, training & money. This just goes to show one mistake can ruin your life. It’s sad for him.
He is a great guy & was a brilliant veterinarian.
My therapist is so lucky. I’m like a Netflix Original that pays her to watch.
What rank in the military do you need to get to before they let you be fat?
Jane Austen is short for Jane Stonecoldsteve Austen.
if you’ve successfully completed 7 different impossible missions, perhaps the guy in charge of labeling these missions is being a little dramatic
My plans for world domination will have to be put on hold while I try to open this package of batteries.
SANTA, tied up, black eye: You boys are in a lot of trouble with Mrs. Claus.
HEAD KIDNAPPER: Oh really? And what is she going to do? Bake cookies at us?
SANTA: Well, no. But before we were married, she was Head Valkyrie of Valhalla.
HK: Is…is that so?
*distant Wagner music*
My doctor asked my blood type and I said I don’t really have a ‘type’ I just like blood that makes me laugh
I wonder if Van Halen realized they were writing music just to lift weights to.
You know those books that sit there unread on your night stand? Take them with you on vacation so they can remain unread in a sunny locale.
I always have a suicide note in my shower so that i wont look stupid if i ever slip and crack my head
A Girl Scout made headlines when she sold cookies outside a Colorado pot shop. There’s no word on how she plans to spend her first million.
I’m 48 years old and I pronounce pumpkin like PUN-KIN.
Bite me.
[Fairground]
Son: Daddy can I have a balloon?
Me: If you’re good.
Son: Good at what?
Me: Buying your own balloons
a fun thing to do when you get a compliment is yell “it’s NOT my FAULT”
I’m one of those people you see on Christmas Eve running around doing their last minute present shopping at the petrol station. Luckily my family really love petrol.
[walking in on boyfriend]
me: oh god
him: it’s not what it looks like!
me: how could you do this to me?!
him: i’m so sorry you had to find out this way
me: *falling to my knees* my leftoverssss
My beef with you is that you’re too chicken to pork me.
I can’t see those guns made on 3D printers catching on.
If HP make the cartridges, it will be cheaper to buy an AK-47.
Your other foot. Nope. Still the other foot. You have two feet this isn’t hard. THE. OTHER. FOOT. OMG
-me watching a toddler put shoes on
Auto correct changed “you all” to “y’all” and now I end all my sentences “bless their heart.“
I go to Costco sometimes just to pet the rotisserie chickens.