If you can’t get your baby to stop crying, try vacuuming. Then you can’t hear your baby crying and your floors will be clean.
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Toy Story (1995) – A cowboy & a deluded astronaut battle over who gets to sleep with a 6-year-old boy.
FACEBOOK: join your friends at these events that might interest you nearby
ME: not today satan
[lost at sea]
FRIEND: There’s a ship! Get the flair
ME: [puts on oversized jewellery]
Women never find it devilishly charming when I follow them into the lady’s room. Thanks a lot, “Top Gun”.
If I take anymore ibuprofen, I’m going to have to log it as a snack.
Sure I may be a little nuts, I tell my family, but how boring would our house be if I wasn’t?
Remember before you give the finger from the safety of your car, not everyone has a schedule to keep
[Signing waiver for the show Cops]
No no, you don’t have to blur my face but how about a sweet mustache?
Can’t, I’m about to turn 50 and my lower back is almost 83.
When people say let’s stop fighting and act like a family, that’s where I get confused.
Stop feeling sorry for yourself. Just think, there are people out there who don’t get to read my tweets.
$500,000 to have my head cryogenically preserved or $1.59 for a Slurpee to give me a brain freeze?
Waffles make excellent pill organizers
Telepathy
“Huh?”
Telepathy
“Ok…let’s move on. What—”
Telepathy
“Please stop interrupting! What are your strengths?”
*rolls eyes* Telepathy
“I hate it when people pretentiously drop French words and phrases into conversations” I said to my fiancé, a propos of nothing, while en route to a café to enjoy hors d’oeuvre and an apéritif.
Do I consider myself to be mentally stable? Buddy, I don’t even have a horse…
[watching scary part of movie]
10YR OLD: don’t worry, Dad… I’ll just delete my brain file that’s recording this part before I go to bed
ME: [trying not to appear visibly freaked out] cool
My fear of ascending to the top of shopping malls is escalating.
I drink a lot of water for someone who claims to hate being alive
Everyone fondly remembers the ’80s until you take away their cell phones.
Just want to apologize to all the unlucky women that have had to deal with my ex because I dumped him.
my parents’ wedding videographer intercut a clip from kermit and miss piggy’s wedding into their service?? without asking???
Me: *rubbing bread on a dog*
Friend: When I said pet with the grain
[rap battle]
me: orange grorange schmorange blorange
“Our relationship is nice because we can sit silently and still have fun.” – cool thing to say to the person in bathroom stall next to you.
You don’t wanna break into the zoo and steal a penguin, you don’t wanna wait in the car while *I* break into the zoo, so maybe you should just plan the date.
ME: I have crab like reflexes
DAD:I think you mean cat like reflexes
ME: [sitting in pot of boiling water] what
At the polling station. Bodes well for Labour – loads of young people here. Or I might possibly be at the wrong primary school.
A lady got off the train so I finished her crossword. Turns out she’d just gone to the toilet and now she’s back and she hates me.