*sits gf down*
i am about to ask you a big question. if you dont know the answer then thats ok… *clears throat* where is the space jam dvd
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He kept asking to see “more” of me but for some reason my colonoscopy results were “too much”
Foh
Me: (watching MST3K) What do you mean you don’t like it?! If you were trapped in deep space with just two robot friends, what would YOU do?
Her: That’s not important.
Me neighbor and I just exchanged nods acknowledging we’re both wearing the same outfit as yesterday.
My cute neighbor saw me running and so I had to keep running until she couldn’t see me any more. Call an ambulance
“Let’s tape a spider to a lobster and scare the shit out of everyone forever.”
-God making scorpions
Me: hi, I’d like to schedule an exorcism for my husband
Priest: what makes you think he’s possessed?
Me: he forgets to eat on a regular basis
Priest: that’s not really-
Me: also he doesn’t “care for for cheese”
Priest: *grabs largest crucifix* Let’s do this
wife: did you pee on the seat
me: maybe a little
bus driver: ok both of you off now
“I ran a half marathon” sounds so much better than “I quit halfway through a marathon”.
10yo: When in doubt, albatrout.
Me: What the hell is albatrout? That’s not real.
10yo: Now you’re in doubt!
Me: But…
10yo: ALBATROUT
Not sure why I drink anymore..I get the same effect from standing up too fast.
Them: what is dumbest thing you have done?
Me: you mean like today?
The best way to get back at someone is to eat toast in their bed.
the Purge but instead of killing for 24 hours we get to talk to customers the way they talk to us
[1994]
dad: are you looking forward to Christmas
me: yes, i cant wait!!
dad: cool *slipping off wedding ring* how’d you like two of them?
Age 8: “Being a werewolf would be fun!”
Age 18: “Being a werewolf would solve all my problems.”
Age 28: “Being a werewolf is an escapist power fantasy for emotionally stunted children.”
Age 38: “Being a werewolf would be fun AND it would solve all my problems!”
Quick! Everyone on Facebook is at church! Let’s go steal all their shit!
I hate when I’m trying to do shit and I’m married.
who called it hell and not heaven’t
i was carrying a 15′ handrail through menards when i jokingly challenged a lady to a jousting match. later, when i thought i saw her again in the parking lot, i said ‘are you ready to joust!” but it wasn’t the same lady.
Someone called me “down to earth” and I was like, “hey look, mister, you’ve got the wrong woman.”
My neighbour is pissed. My recycle bin has missing for months so I’ve been using hers. My boyfriend is missing too. Same situation.
The rules of the universe clearly state – to find the cup of coffee you were drinking, you must first pour yourself a new cup of coffee.
I will never think of rock paper scissors the same way again.
Today I will be hosting a book sale until the librarians notice
Today my 12 year old went back into a room to switch off a light, so never give up on your dreams
If Dracula bit my neck, KFC gravy would just come out
Forget roses, lay her down on a bed of cheeseburgers.
He died doing what he loved
smelling things underwater
Trump: “I’m going to make sure we let in less immigrants.”
Pence: “Fewer!”
Trump: “Shhh, don’t call me that yet.”