*Condom Co*
[ok, don’t let them know ur a frog]
“Any ideas how we can make our condoms more pleasurable for her?”
ME: Ribbit
“Genius”
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A Pringles Tube but for Donuts
Skeletor: Nice ride
He-Man: Thanks
Skeletor: Prince Adam has a pet tiger too
He-Man: Yeah? Complete different guy though
Jim is short for Jimberly. The short form for James is obviously Jam
Someone at this party is wearing the same shirt as me. It’s very awkward. How did this happen. We barely even fit in this shirt.
me: *having prostate examination*
doc: omg, when was this last wiped?
me: WHAT
doc: *pointing to dust on table* i must speak to the cleaning lady
You want me to make something homemade?? Girl I can’t even make my own serotonin.
My glasses are broken but I’ve got a glasses repair kit except I can’t find it because my glasses are broken
If only the door of my car had a warning light for when it was getting low on takeout napkins.
me: [taking off shirt]
wife: woah slow down there bud
me: [sadly buttoning] so we’re not having spaghetti tonight?
Nobody:
My 6yr old talking to himself on the toilet: everyday I gotta get up for school. & then everyday I’m gonna have to get up for work. When does it end. Did I ask for this? No. I don’t remember that I asked for this. I asked for rest and legos and French toast.
[commercial for evaporated milk]
IS YOUR MILK TOO WET?
ladies, imagine this: its 15 years from now. u did it. your time machine worked
Went on blind date, woke up in bathtub with kidney gone. 6 out of 10, would date again.
That’s the last time I follow some dude into the woods just because he tells me he’s a wizard.
The ritual complete, the blood god stands before the cultist.
“I have summoned you forth to destroy my enemies”
BLOOD GOD: …
“what?”
BLOOD GOD: It just feels like every time you bring me out of the forbidden realm it’s cause you want something, and you never just want to see me
The “Beware of Cat” sign posted outside my house doesn’t seem to be having the desired affect.
What happens when you wear flowy sleeves? They get caught on every doorknob you walk past.
I found a baggie of coke while out walking my dogs. I knew adopting the retired police K-9 would pay off.
My boyfriend’s boss is scared of getting the coronavirus so naturally she has decided that instead of finishing at 5:30 they will finish at 4:30, because as we all know the coronavirus only comes out after 5
Ever notice how loud the sound of opening a beer can at work is?
No one:
Me trying to remember the person’s name I just met as they’re still talking:
I got excited when my son joined the cross-country team. But then I learned they don’t cross the country and are back home in a few hours.
Why would a straight guy hate gay guys?
Here’s a group of men who look better than you.. but don’t even want women.
You should be glad.
Home is where the h…ell did I put my car keys?
I saw a product for cars today called “Rapid Odor Removal,” and everyone who buys it should be put on an FBI watchlist.
Dating is easy. You just *goes into fetal position*
Me: I just killed a HUGE spider!
Him: It was actually a piece of yarn.
Me: A HUGE, scary piece of yarn!
Doctor 1: burrowing mites under the skin is pretty gross, but how do we make it sound even grosser?
Doctor 2: let’s call it scabies
Doctor 1: YES!! done
“Kids are great when you need help around the house.”
– People who don’t have kids