Given their destructive force to homes, kids’ birthday parties should get names like hurricanes do. Birthday Party Hugo.
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Everybody just wants to get off…
….This elevator because that guy stinks
Careful, it’s hot. *ladles steaming clam chowder into your kid’s trick or treat bag*
Boss: How were your weekends?
Steve: I coached my son’s soccer team
Alice: I helped friends move and volunteered at an animal shelter
Me: I dreamed my clothes were made of peanut butter and jelly
Dear Customer Service: First of all, you should know that Im typing this with my middle finger.
That feeling when you take the first bite of your favourite food, that’s called chewphoria.
We’re intellectual opposites.
You’re intellectual and I’m opposite.
[During sex]
*Knock on the door*
Woman: Shit! It’s my boyfriend
Man: Oh shit!!! *Pulls out and jumps down from the bed* What do we do?
Woman: Hide in the closet. Quick!
Man: Okay, smart. Let me just…wait…
Woman: What?
Man: Karen, I’m your husband!
“Kids today are pathetic” is NOT a good take from the generation raising today’s kids. It’s like giving a bad Yelp review to the restaurant you run.
Me: that’s BS
6: boring stuff?
Me, knowing I’ll probably regret it, but it will be funny: …yes
inventor of murder: I’m going to make a killing
I brought my Beats headphones to work, and instead of being left alone, I’ve had 7 rap battles and am in the finals against A$AP Carol.
Who called it condensed milk instead of mk?
I love therapy sessions because I get to cry for an hour. It usually freaks out my patient, though
My kids are at their grandparents’ for the week, and did you guys know that when there are no kids living at your house IT STAYS CLEAN ALL THE TIME???
*fakes headache to get out of work*
*updates resume with “proficient at adapting previously learned skills to new tasks”*
8 year gap on resume that just says “karate”
The roof of my mouth has had it too easy lately. I’m gonna eat some scalding hot pizza followed by a handful of granola.
Everyone is always doing laundry
*changes name to laundry
I had so much fun spending some time with my 8yo nephew at the park until he got tired spinning me on merry go round.
[Thanksgiving 2020]
Me *crying*: I’m fine, just chopping onions
Him: that’s a carrot
Stop screaming! I thought you’d appreciate having someone to pass you a towel when you got out of the shower
Just saw two identical twins out in public together. No disrespect to that lifestyle but please keep it private
Hear me out:
Instead of The Bachelor giving out roses to the women, he gives them each a roll of toilet paper.
This is where we’re at, people.
My psychiatrist is mad at me, told him I could hear people but couldn’t see them…he said when does this happen…I said over the phone
I’m not technically a lawyer but I do have 3 court cases next week.
It’s all fun and games until a metal flask falls out of your car in the church parking lot.
Alright. It’s Sunday. Another Breaking Bad. Or if you don’t watch the show, an hour of confusing tweets.
Kid: Your my best friend, Mom.
Me: *eyes well up with tears* It’s you’re.
*spins in circles*
*dies*
*gets stuck in corner*
*dies*
*spins in circle*
*dies*
[Me playing Call of Duty with my son]
*8YO arguing*
Me: I‘ll call Santa, right now and tell him…
8YO: Well I’ll call the PTA to volunteer you …
Me: You win