My husband got some virtual reality goggles for christmas and so far I like them because they make him very vulnerable to attack.
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my friend: [just got fired from his job] what a day
me: [got to the gym and only my left headphone worked] you have no idea
Do not squander your short time on earth acquiring worldly possessions. Instead, try to get laid a lot.
All I do is answer emails all day. I don’t care whose emails. If I see an email, I answer it. No open computer is safe. My family is worried
Got fired from the zoo for giving all the howler monkeys megaphones.
It feels so good to tell my mom every morning that I’m going running, because then she hangs up and I can sleep another hour.
I think God created marriage so death wouldn’t come as such a disappointment.
It’s bikini season, so you’re allowed to shoot bikinis as long as you have a permit.
Friend: Have you been using that gym membership card I gave you for Christmas?
Me: All the time! Just this morning I used it to scrape ice off my windows and yesterday I used it to cut a cake.
Sometimes you’re the cat’s meow, sometimes you’re the hairball.
I don’t think it’s ever happened, but according to my dogs’ reactions, I’m assuming that, some dog, somewhere, at some time, has been sucked into a vacuum cleaner.
Mom: Where are you?
Me: Mumbai
Mom: Don’t you hang up on me!
When there’s food around, our cat is like an adorable, fluffy shark circling round.
How do I tell my husband I only like him as a friend without it getting weird
kid: mom, have you seen my bag of candy?
mom: i ate it
kid: what?! mom i walked 7 blocks for that
mom: *glaring* i was in labor for day and a half when i had you
kid: oh god no i-
mom: *stepping closer* i pooped on the doctor’s hand
[First day as an undercover cop]
Drug Dealer: You got the money?
Me: … *into cufflink* Line?
[Leaving office]
BOSS: I’m gonna work on my car this weekendME: Wow *shakes head* you really should consider getting a desk
For your consideration, a black footed ferret and the first words written about the black footed ferret in western scientific literature: “It is with great pleasure that we introduce this handsome new species”
I can’t do small talk I just asked the lady cutting my hair what she does for a living
Forgot about the 12-20 months stage of having a baby where your house is just littered with random objects they picked up, carried around, and dropped for no reason like you live inside a claw machine.
If my bathroom scale were polite it would start off by telling me what a great personality I have.
The new iPhone 7 is just a slower, heavier, thicker, and much less attractive version of the iPhone 8.
I typo texted my wife asking if she’d like to “celibate” our anniversary, and she replied “that sounds great” and now I’m not sure what to think.
*person walking on the road
Me: roads are for cars
*person gets off road as I pass
Also me: I can drive. I’m not going to hit you.
modern skincare be like “the best way to have good skin is to destroy the skin you already have. here put some acid on it, burn that shit right off”
It’s really only a Supreme Court if it comes with sour cream.
ME: *seductively removes her G-string*
HER: Could you please just hurry up and finish restringing my guitar?
“I totally nailed that guy” – Roman soldiers
I’m a little sad about my weight gain, but like they say, “suck it up, cup of butter.”
Babe, you’re just perfect for me
Except that you’re married, have kids, live 8000 miles away and are probably an obese man
Me: I wish I had a nickname.
Coworker: You do.