Ok so my grandmother is going on holiday on Friday, wants me to water her plants while she’s away & should never use emojis.
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You’d think Kate Middleton would have people to hide for her.
Sucks when good bands have dumb names.
“What are you listening to?”
“It’s Made Out of Babies, they’re really great.”
“…”
me: I’m on a new sugar free diet and I’m getting withdrawals pains
friend: how long has it been
me (looking at watch): 4 hours
At this point I’m sure I’ll meet an alien or zombies before I meet the love of my life!!
“Forever” is just a romantic word for “until we get bored or one of us dies”
MEN TALKING TO FEMALE COWORKER BEFORE METOO:
“You look so pretty.”MEN TALKING TO FEMALE COWORKER AFTER METOO:
“You look so pretty… bUt i GueSs i’M nOt aLLoWeD tO sAy tHaT anYmOrE hAha!”
I’ll do unspeakable things to you, baby, like vqtkjx and zqkpmr.
My girlfriend is pissed that I just matched with her on Tinder.
when spiderman jumps from building to building why isn’t it called peter parkour
Remember mad cow disease?
Good times.
so tell me….is there a mama ghanoush?
*walking into Home Depot for 2nd time today*
Back again? Forget something?
-Um, you remember if I brought a kid in here with me last time?
I’m trying to convince this guy that ‘jesus is the reason for the season’ but loansharks have a different perspective
ACCOUNTANT: So you want to write off 5000 bat-shaped boomerangs??
BATMAN, intense voice: They’re essential for my war on crime!
ACCOUNTANT: That’s fine, but claiming *boomerangs* as an *unrecoverable* business expense…
BATMAN, normal voice: Oh yeah, no, yeah, I see your point.
I need a personal trainer to be in charge of how I exercise because I’m in charge of how I eat and look how that turned out.
My girlfriend told me I was getting sex today. Oops. I better not jinx it.
*knocks on morning wood*
*Paul Walker shouts down from the gates of heaven*
“YO DID I GET A MILLION LIKES ON FACEBOOK? THEY WON’T LET ME IN WITHOUT A MILLION LIKES”
Me: throwing a ball
My dog: it is as the prophecy foretold
Twenty bucks to anyone who shows up at my funeral, leans into the casket and says “You okay buddy? Do you want to go get some ice cream?”
[costume party]
friend: you’re lateme, dressed as a sloth: sorry
This white lady just whispered to her husband “there’s so many Asian people”… ma’m this is a flight to Japan
I was fightin’ this daylight savings shit but this morning I planted twelve acres of soybeans and fed the cows. Didn’t even know I had cows but there they were.
It says “Keep away from children” on the bottle of my anxiety pills.
If I had taken that advice, I wouldn’t need the pills.
Have I ever steered you wrong?
*flashback to you at zoo in bear suit
Me: They wont attack if ur dressed like one of them, now go get my ball
Psychiatrist: You saw a doctor before me?
Me: Yes.
Psychiatrist: What was their diagnosis?
Me: ᵐᵘˡᵗⁱᵖˡᵉ ᵖᵉʳˢᵒⁿᵃˡⁱᵗʸ ᵈⁱˢᵒʳᵈᵉʳ
Psychiatrist: Excuse me?
Me: HE SAID MULTIPLE PERSONALITY DISORDER.
Of course I’m a mom, why else would I hide in the laundry room to eat cake?
when I die, cross my arms in the casket so I’ll look like I’m disappointed in everyone who comes to view my body at the funeral
for $5 i will write “yikes” under one of your ex’s selfies
alladin: do u trust me
jasmine: i’ve only known you for 2 hours
a: so u don’t wanna jump off this rooftop
j: lemme ask my tiger first
Props to anyone who tries to be fashionable in ireland i wore a red beret once in waterford and someone called me super mario