Interviewer: If you get this job what will you bring to the team?
Me: cake…I’ll bring cake
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If I were a bumblebee, this leg hair would be an asset.
I call bullshit, airport baby changing station! I wanted an Asian baby but I’m stuck with the white kid I flew in with.
therapist: so what’s the problem?
me: i have crippling self-doubt
therapist: are you sure?
me: …
therapist: …
me: no
Saying “sounds good” is probably the nicest way to abruptly end a conversation.
GHOST (rattling cupboards): OOo oooOooOoo
*family screams*
SECOND GHOST (screwing and unscrewing a lightbulb): what the hell are we doing Frank. they’re good people
My 5 year plan is to get an amp for my bass. That fish sure does love his energy drinks
Ocean’s Eleven? Ummmm I’m pretty sure it’s a little older than that. Who is this idiot?
“Well, you only live once.”
– Guy, convincing himself to skydive“Well, you only live once.”
– Me, convincing myself not to skydive
I feel like maybe I shouldn’t have eaten that last taco 🤔
Judge: On the charge of murder, how do you plead?
Me: *holds up Monopoly “get out of jail free” card*
Judge: Case dismissed.
From a friend in the Nat’l lPark Service. They’ve thought this through.
Waiter *looks at empty chair opposite me* are you waiting for a friend?
Me: Yes *lowers voice* is this how you get one?
St. Valentine’s Day is my favorite holiday that’s named after a massacre.
Back in my day teenagers didn’t vape or use social media. They befriended talking animals and solved crimes for the police.
*attaches canes horizontally to dozens of old man walkers
*watches slowest jousting match ever
Him: Why do you carry a knife?
Me: A sword is harder to hide.
Me: You should cut your toenails.
Wife: Huh?
M: You’re scratching my leg.
W: I’m WAY on the other side of the bed!
M: That’s kinda my point.
Every kid turns into a mall walker when the lifeguard yells NO RUNNING
Cinderella & Clark Kent would be a fun couple. Any time she took off her shoe or he took off his glasses, it’d be: “Who the hell are you?!”
Pretty busy at the gym this morning. I’m 6th in line for a selfie.
ROBBER: is this all the cash?
CASHIER: yes but would you like to donate $1 to charity
ROBBER [tears welling up inside his ski mask]: ok
My Uber driver doesn’t know that soon he’ll be an accomplice.
Me as a lawyer: your honor, stfu cause you wasn’t even there
TSA agent: I’m sorry we don’t allow liquids over 3.4 ounces
me: ok I’ll finish it here [drenches myself with Axe deodorant]
I’m currently boycotting any company that sells items I can’t afford.
Nazi is a bit harsh…I’m more of a grammar Spanish Inquisition
I broke up with a woman once, she was beautiful but dumb, I kicked her to the curb because she couldn’t tell the difference between my bedroom door and the neighbor’s bedroom door.
They say money talks, but mine barely gets a chance to introduce itself before it’s gone.
Your sister wives’ moms are technically mother-in-against-the-laws
At the park, my daughter & I saw an old man gardening at a church next door. He smiled & tossed a pale root vegetable over the fence at me. We didn’t speak the same language so I dunno what it is, but I planted it & it’s growing like crazy. This is how a Stephen King novel starts