A guy just walked past with fries and said “fries?” and I was like “cool thanks!” and took three and then he was like “no, I work here, did you order the fries?”. I did not order the fries.
You Might Also Like
Sliding into her DMs like: ‘Hi’ or ‘Hey’.
-Unoriginal
-No
-Has that literally ever worked?Sliding into her DMs like: ‘It’s all gravy, baby.’
-Suave
-Well that’s new
-Implies you might have gravy. Ladies love gravy.
Reasons I’m like Donald Duck:
1- Mainly white
2- Kinda fat
3- Rarely wears pants
4- Highly irritable
5- Hard to understand
6- Prisoner of the Disney Corporation
7- Genuinely confused if Goofy is a dog or what the hell
I cleaned the house but I have kids, so that was stupid
My parents are hosting 10 people on Thanksgiving so naturally my dad is outside making sure there is not one single leaf on the lawn.
You want some advice? Don’t order crab cakes when you’re 700 miles from the ocean.
to make a tv show you need one banana-shaped man and one-orange shaped man. let me explain
What I go to Aldi to buy: Bread and milk.
What I actually buy in Aldi:
When I was younger, I’d sit in class and think “Ugh, when am I ever going to need to know this stuff in the REAL world??” But then I grew up and discovered that I actually do have to play hot cross buns on the recorder like almost every day.
This Venn guy was sure bad at drawing circles next to each other
⛄️
When someone says “We can still be friends” after a break up it’s like saying…”The dog died but can we still keep it?”
Every time I see someone getting a mud bath I assume they’re hiding from The Predator.
Just ate a burrito the size of a baby *coughs up pacifier*
My seven year old just told me the average person sleeps 70% of their lives and I am just so impressed he can make up statistics above his grade level
Her: I don’t see color
Me: They make glasses for that now
Margaret Thatcher died?? And more importantly, Margaret Thatcher was still alive??!!
[Army Shooting Range]
Officer: Are you locked & loaded?
Soldiers: YES SIR!
Officer: You may fire at will!
Soldier Named Will: WTF?
Me: So, you come here often?
Him: …..we’re in my house.
*Adorns new baby with:
Infinity scarf
Leggings
Uggs
Bottle of pumpkin spice latte*They said if her basic needs were met she wouldn’t cry!
You can’t take a purebred dog to the park the ducks will eat them
My axe boyfriend was a lumberjack.
I’m sorry.
me: you said you were going to clean your room
5 year old: I said it, but I didn’t promise
me: yes you did. you said, “I promise”
5 year old: ok, I promised, but I didn’t mean it
Googled how to seduce a guy and Google replied – girl if you have to ask it ain’t gonna happen.
[tornado warning]
*locks children and dog safely in basement*
*perches in a tree with binoculars*
Nothing like spending 20 minutes of your day trying to recreate a fart sound your chair made to prove to your coworkers it wasn’t you.
Airports: Because who doesn’t want to spend $60 on two egg sandwiches and Lay’s Potato Chips.
“Every child’s a gift.”
“Your ‘gift’ is eating his own boogers right now.”
“…”
“I hope you saved the receipt.”
[Job Interview]
How would you describe your time management skills?
Me: Can we talk about this later? I’m late for an appointment.
I hate when my camera rings, in the middle of a selfie.
Since getting the new iPhone with fingerprint unlock technology I’ve never worried so much about losing my thumb.