[first date]
HER: i’m really into astronomy
ME: [revealing my secret stash of Milky Ways] you don’t say
You Might Also Like
MOM: [walks into daughter’s room, sees protest signs, history books, list of senators’ phone numbers on bed] Are you… politically active?
Twitter: Just chilling with my cat.
Cat Twitter: My human won’t leave me alone.
[runs out of toilet paper]
Me: *picks up cat* sorry, Mittens, desperate times call for desperate measures
It’s taken 7 years but I’m beginning to see the correlation between my kid’s hyperactivity and his sugar intake.
My 3yo ran up me so I could protect her while we were playing laser tag, so I picked her up and used her like a shield so I could take her brother out.
I’m tired of being the only single person in my friendship group, so I’m going to make a real effort to get out there and meet new people. One of them is bound to have some good ideas for sabotaging my friends’ relationships.
plug your corndog into the cigarette lighter to reheat it a little bit while driving
2020 was the worst escape room I’ve ever done.
ME: wow look at all these hotties
FIREFIGHTER: *rescuing a sixth person from a burning building* stop calling them that
[cat potluck]
Mittens: so everyone brought a bird again but no plates, that’s just great
Sometimes I wonder what people without kids do with all that free time. I bet they sit and stuff.
Good morning to everyone except my baby, who already said good morning to me at 1 a.m., 3 a.m., and 5:46 a.m.
Stuck in a massive traffic jam because I refused to take an alternate route. Suddenly realized why the orange cones are shaped like dunce caps.
✌🏽
Eating vegetables after a failed attempt at picking up your shirt with your toes.
*whispers* forlorn corn.
{watching a horror movie}
SAGE YOUR HOUSE, IDIOT!
Take a stand against childhood obesity by chasing little fat kids down the street.
Therapist: it’s not real. you have to stop deluding yourself
Me: no I really am a gryffindor I swear
Therapist: abbie, we both know you’re a hufflepuff
Until my sneezes have time to figure out their beliefs, please stop blessing them.
Boss: You were napping
Me: No I wasn’t
Boss: You drew eyes on Post-it notes & stuck them to your face
Me: Liar! *draws on angry eyebrows*
There’s not a day that goes by where I don’t think about that Backstreet Boy asking his pals, “am I sexual?” & they’re like, “yeah.”
*nervously plays with tie*
“I’m sorry. I’m no good during job interviews.”
That’s ok, just let go of my tie and go on your side of the desk.
“Hi. My name is Jeff and I’m an alcoholic_”
*embarrassed silence in the room*
“Wow. Tough crowd.”
Worst Bring Your Dad To School Day EVER
Me, knowing girls dig bad boys: sorry I didn’t text u back babe I was grounded.
6:There’s a monster under my bed
Me:That’s silly! There’s no such thi..OH GOD IT’S EATING MY ARM
6:SCREAMS
ME:KIDDING it only eats kids
[walking through the sistine chapel] damn, content creators were insane back in the day
Mom: Some scary old lady keeps FaceTiming me.
Me: Mom, turn your camera around and she’ll go away.
Duolingo is the only app I have where I can safely avoid Succession spoilers
Me: I want a raise
Boss: ok and why do you think you deserve a raise?
Me: that’s not what I said