Genie: I want infinite bananas
Banana Salesman:
Genie: Do u see how annoying that is
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Not saying dogs are better than kids in every aspect; but good luck finding a kid willing to lick up his own vomit.
I can’t believe these women are just walking around with yoga mats like a game of yoga might just break out at any moment
[From Basement]: *scary murdery noise*
Me: oh shit
Me: *makes slightly more scary more murdery noise*
[From Basement]: Oh shit
people get sad when a bird flys into a window but when i do it its a big hassle
You don’t understand how hard it is to play Dungeons & Dragons when your dragon is gay, fabulous and always protesting violence. It’s hard.
You know those books that sit there unread on your night stand? Take them with you on vacation so they can remain unread in a sunny locale.
I turned on my computer and it went “Word” and I was like “Yo”.
*holding huge scissors*
I hereby declare The Factory That Makes High Voltage Wires That Look Like Ceremonial Ribbons officially open for-
FBI: If you testify you’ll have to go into the Witness Protection Program
ME: I’ll do it
FBI: Your wife and kids too
ME: Oh ok never mind
Raisins are just grapes pretending not to be past their “sell by” date
You look stressed, let me pour you a hot cup of pasta.
You know that chick who said, “Nothing tastes as good as skinny feels?”…
Yeah, well I ate her.
The endings of Lost and Game of Thrones each cost me a television.
*deep fries turkey
*deep fries deck
*deep fries backyard
*deep fries house
*deep fries neighborhood
*deep fries los angeles
Who needs clocks when my dog’s digestive system can nail time with pinpoint accuracy
[1st person to try jogging]
Peasant: what chasest thou, m’lady?
Jogger: Nothing. I doth run for mine own pleasure.
Peasant: *suddenly holding a torch and pitch fork* WITCH!!!
The big phone companies don’t want you to know that you can get a free call whenever you want by punching a cop.
I have social anxiety but am toxically polite. I faked plans to get out of talking to someone & then invited them to the fake plans.
[Shopping with teen son]
*sees hot girl*
*waits until she gets close*
*grabs box of adult diapers*“How are you doing on Depends bud?”
*I need to eat better*
post donut clarity
it’s time for some pepper spray
-me, in a crowded elevator
20/__ — Cyclops with perfect vision
“I knew he was the murderer when I saw him on the dance floor,” Holmes said. “You see, Watson, guilty feet have got no rhythm.”
Did you know?
A cowbird will sneak into another bird’s nest, lay her egg, and leave it for the other bird to raise.
And I’ll be damned if that isn’t the best parenting hack I’ve ever heard.
Them: Can you help me?
Me: I don’t work here.
Them: Oh, sorry. *leaves*
My boss: You need to stop doing that.
Whoever had the bright idea of putting book jackets on children’s books clearly never had children of their own.
Friend 1:
I swam with the dolphins in Mexico.Friend 2:
I swam with a sea lion in Jamaica.Me:
I swam with a fat guy in Reno.