Me: Ugh, I wish I still had a tablet. My phone screen is too small to read books on.
Also me: Guess I’ll read Twitter on my phone for six hours instead…
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Dieting is when you eat foods that make you sad and leave feeling hungry still.
I won’t tell anyone if I win the lottery, but if I did, you’d see someone else cutting all this damn grass.
Please let it be chicken..please let it be chicken
[skydiving with my dog]
Me: ur ears r inside out
My dog: can’t hear u my ears r inside out
Me: it’s the wind
My dog: I think it’s the wind
I don’t know if you really meant to Like Ebola on Facebook, 8,000 people
I like my women like I like my glasses: thick, transparent, and uneven
Last week, my sister ran a marathon. Today, she is rappelling down a skyscraper.
I’m starting to think one of us is adopted.
The Good News: My doctor says I’m healthy as a horse.
The Bad News: She used another large farm animal to describe my weight.
Amazed that my wife didn’t tell me that today our 8YO had a school field trip, for which both of us got multiple email reminders
thank god
Witch from Hansel and Gretel: Hey guys, welcome to my cooking channel, be sure to smash that subscribe button *children’s voices at the door* ok! let’s get started
Set my alarm for 2 am to go into my son’s room and tell him it’s raining to repay the favor he let me know this morning.
WAITER: Would you like the usual, Mr Smith?
MR SMITH: *all smugly* Do birds fly?
*Penguin at the next table slams down his menu*
Army ants must REALLY hate boot camp.
Your baby isn’t 48 months ffs…he’s 4 years old.
I don’t go around saying I’m one thousand, one hundr….
Hold on…Imma need a calculator.
I can forgive the fact that Peter Peter was a pumpkin eater, but I can’t abide by the fact that his first and last name are the same.
Her: could things get any worse?
Me: *adds raisins* there you go.
Me: I’ll take $1,600, Alex.
Alex Trebek: In which category?
Me: No question. I just need $1,600.
[job interview]
BOSS: Describe yourself
ME: Can’t you see me?
It’s so hot today I went to see the ex just for the cold shoulder and icy stare.
Life with teenagers is basically them sniffing out snacks from a mile away yet missing the odour lingering in their bedroom
Open casket funeral? Remains to be seen.
My 3 year old, who doesn’t notice her pants are inside out or that her shoes are on the wrong feet, can spot a diced onion in her food from 3 feet away
Get your relatives speaking to one another again by sending a heartfelt Christmas card with a picture of your family with an extra child nobody knows.
2016 took so many beautiful, talented men I’ve loved my entire life. Seems unfair that I still have to dodge my ex at the grocery store.
People complain about spam e-mail but it provides a valuable service. If every e-mail I got was actually important and required a response? I think that might break me
Social distancing has taken all the fun out of avoiding people.
Hubby: If you could sleep with one of my frien…
Me: Frank
H: nd’s bedroom style decor
M: …
H: …
M: …
H: So you like shabby chic?
No your muscles are too big. I don’t want a boyfriend who makes me exercise.