Insomniacs who are not afraid of the dark have nighty-night problems but the pitch ain’t one.
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Found 78 cents in the dryer this morning & all I’ve got to say is this family is not making it worth my while.
I won’t be gratified sexually until someone dumps one of those big Gatorade containers on me after.
You don’t understand how hard it is to play Dungeons & Dragons when your dragon is gay, fabulous and always protesting violence. It’s hard.
Some people wake up in the morning & are all like “omg I’m the luckiest person in the world” and I wake up all like “oh my god”
Me as a kid: Willy Wonka is SO cool!
Me as a mom: WHOA! Ease up on the sugar there, Dude!
Why does lipgloss last 43 minutes on my lips but 17 years on my coffee mug?
“Ouch!”
“Ow!”
“Careful, that’s my bad knee!”
“Oh great, now my arm is numb!”
“I think I need to ice something”
“Maybe we should rest for a minute!”
– sex in your 40’s
Was I outside watering plants when my food was getting delivered? Yes
Did I hide behind my house so the driver didn’t see me? Also yes
[in bed]
M: Do that thing I like
H: NO
M: Please?
H: *sighs [puts on British redcoat uniform] I have your tea
M: I WILL NEVER PAY YOUR TAXES
I wouldn’t complain if I died, mostly because I’d be dead.
Sure, there’s no “I” in “team”…
But there’s, like, three in “idiot.”
A student brought me 20 huge homemade chocolate chip cookies today. Good thing I have self-control–I saved one for my kids. To split.
To err is human, to eh is Canadian.
[trying to talk to girl]
Ha so you from around here?
“Ya”
Cool me too. I love planet earth
In 2009, Stephen Hawking hosted an open party for everyone, but only publicized it after it was over; so only time-travelers would know to attend.
As he expected, no one came.
CNN: President Obama Rescues a Child From a Burning Home
FOX: Failed President Obama Tries To Take Jobs Away From Hard Working Firefighters
My kid just made me google the various answer percentages to cheat a Harry Potter Sorting Hat quiz so she’d get Slytherin- which I guess qualifies her.
Walking my dog we saw a guy in a suit walking his dog and I know my dog is thinking I don’t dress nice for him anymore.
Don’t name your car. It’s not a boat. Don’t name your boat either.
The best part about Halloween is seeing people in costume doing normal shit. Just saw a Dracula standing by a car eating potato chips.
Being a parent is great because you get to start conversations like:
Hey buddy, don’t leave your tooth on the coffee table.
Me: See? To prove I’m not some boring house dad, I got a tattoo.
Her: Oh cool! It’s… uh?
Me: (proudly) It’s my thermos! From work!
Her: Well, uh, the line work is certainly…
Me: Don’t touch the thermos tat.
i installed a ceiling fan in my room
the battle rages on
If you’re the last person to leave the office, nobody will judge you when you eat the leftover birthday cake from the trash.
I told my mom that “trying to smash” was slang for going to smashburger and now I deeply regret it
[murders Aquaman with some super absorbent paper towels]
Material Girl is my favorite song about a seamstress.
I’ll scaramouche, but I don’t do the Fandango for every little silhouetto of a man.
*Detective stands over murder victim*
This looks like a case of…
*Takes off sunglasses*
*Removes contacts*
*Brushes teeth*
*Goes to bed*