could a mosquito drink blood out of a cup or something or are they legally required to capri sun my legs all summer
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I get it, you have a philosophy degree, but I just want you to make my latte, not wax poetic about life, okay Baristotle? Extra foam please.
Rats the size of cats!
Cats the size of dogs!
Dogs the size of horses!
They’ve definitely put the wrong prescription in my new glasses.
How do I like my eggs? Umm in a cake.
I used to constantly compare myself to the people around me but, as I’ve grown older, I’ve got better at not having people around me.
I don’t understand what you mean by ‘stop drinking so much’. How else will you know how much I love you at 2am every day?
Wife: Ow, a bee just stung me!
Me: uhoh guess i have to pee on u
Wife: that’s for jellyfish
Me: [unzipping pants] bees don’t sting jellyfish
I need to hire someone to follow me around and abruptly drag a needle across a record every time that I enter a room.
Me: We’re going to get a new ventilation system installed, will make the house much healthier
7: Why is it unhealthy, it’s never even had junk food?
Was folding laundry and accidentally folded myself into a shirt and gently tucked myself into the drawer and then softly closed it???
People who live in glass houses must have to clean up a lot of dead birds.
My natural facial expression is that of a slightly pissed off serial killer
Am not being sponsored to say this but if you’re like me and enjoy wearing jean-shorts but dislike the feeling of cold on your lower legs, check out “jeans”. They’re like jean-shorts but longer.
her: *opening valentine’s day gift* are these abacus beads?
me: it’s the little things that count
– dinner –
Kid 1: finishes in 18.4 seconds
Kid 2: finishes in 34.7 seconds
Kid 3: finishes in 5 hours 29 minutes
Boys get 1 polo shirt and wear it till the horse dies!!
smoke alarm broke, so i decided to tape a bag of microwave popcorn to the ceiling. if it starts popping, i will know it is too hot in there.
I always cry at those YouTube videos of babies getting hearing aids and hearing their mother’s criticism for the first time.
New birthdays:
•Januartly 34rd
•Marfch 0th
•Dechumpert 4rf
•Septurble 6rd-16nd (lengthy birth)
•Flethfluary 14st (Valentront’s Day!)
•6th
ME: I promise it will be different this time
THE BOOKS I NEVER READ: *throwing the flowers I brought into the compost*
we all have needs. I need my wife to go run errands so I can swipe the last cherry danish.
Accidentally bought “wakeup” shampoo with caffeine and menthol and I’m furious at how peppy I am right now
Judging by the way my kids raced to see who could chug their chocolate milk the fastest at the dinner table, I’d have to say they are never, ever going to be allowed at a keg party.
That old expression: “hold the phone!” doesn’t work anymore because everyone is already doing that
[first day as a pilot]
control tower: what’s your location
me: i’m in the cockpit
control tower: i mean where is the airplane
me: mainly behind me
We get it, Japan.
All of your cats can skateboard.
[my gf actually turns into a worm]
me: oh my god. it’s ok, i’ll still go out with you
my worm gf: [sees a cool worm wearing a leather jacket] i think we should see other people
[blind date]
HER: I love classic rock.
ME: (trying to impress) I’ve been to Stonehenge.
the only difference between 15 year old me and current me is that if i fell off of a skateboard now i would die.
Role playing in the bedroom was fun until my wife gave me a speeding ticket.
Interviewer: “Are you proficient with Microsoft Office?”
Interviewee: “Word.”