Mechanic *looks up* Wow, you have a lot of problems, so much is wrong
Me: I know!
Mechanic: Your car’s fine though
Me: ok cool
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i think we should see other cousins
Forgot to pack tights so I’m wearing yoga pants with my dress and a long sweater. I look like a crazy cat lady.
I needed a break from stupidity so I left work early.
instead of texting “on my way” I’m just going to start sending these
Having a little nap on the sofa before taking myself up to bed for my main sleep; I call that a snors d’oeuvre.
[drops your baby]
Me: shit, sorry. Let me get you another one
One time in 1997 I forgot to close my air quotes so everything I’ve said since then has been sarcastic
My favorite deleted scene from Lord of the Rings is when Bilbo & Frodo discover they have a long lost hipster cousin called Douche Baggins.
I haven’t had a good nights sleep since I started wondering what holds up those blocks in Mario.
ME [giving a PowerPoint presentation]: *points so hard*
“Why can’t I just eat the wax?”
~me, when I can’t open the cheese
Why am I single? *wipes hands on shirt like a napkin* Beats me.
Doctor: I’m afraid you’ve got chronic updog
Me, embarrassed that I don’t know what the word chronic means: ah well, you win some you lose some
okay but exactly how dangerous are these ducks?
I’ve never been held hostage but I’ve been on a group text.
The actors are getting so old in the Fast and Furious franchise, the next movie will be them stuck in a grocery store parking lot
I never got in trouble when I was young. Guess I’m making up for that now.
My girlfriend’s daughter was laying across my legs.
Me: What am I a pillow now?
Her: Yep, and pillows don’t talk.
I think we’re bonding.
Me, when son comes for the weekend from college: I can’t wait to make a good dinner for him.
Me, when finding out his classes will be all online next quarter: Shit, now I have to cook more!
my landlord still demanding physical checks like can you not exploit me here in the digital age…
I don’t mind when a waitress says, “Is Pepsi fine?” when I ask for some coke.
But when my drug dealer says it, it’s kind of annoying
The vegetable crisper or as I call it, the cold garbage can.
[hotel]
ME: No minibar?
BF: No.
ME: Or room service?
BF: You’re being extreme.
ME: *emerges in camouflage* We’re survivalists now, Gary.
Sometimes I stand in the shower for 10 minutes before I remember what I’m supposed to be doing. So, yes your secrets are safe with me.
Just used a stiletto heel to open an Amazon package.
Next up – that impossible to reach, itchy spot in the middle of my back.
#dalle2
Being a girl under 5’4 is tough. Imagine pulling up your shirt at a party and screaming WOOOOO! and nobody notices and you have to go get a stepstool.
Me: I’m really into architecture.
Her: Contemporary…modern?
Me: LEGO.
Her: why don’t we just hire a mechanic?
Me holding a fire extinguisher: no need. I know what I did wrong now.
Narrator: He did not know what he did wrong.