My welcome mat says, “Oh shit! Not you again!”
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Me: My tarot cards say that you’re going to be in pain soon.
Him: Ha! My Magic 8 Ball said No.
*hurls Magic 8 Ball at him*
Him: Ouch!
My milkshake brings all the boys to the yard, but they stay for the intelligent discourse about Benghazi
Executioners flirting:
You hang first.
No, you hang first.
*giggling*
No, you hang!
No you!
For 21 years i wasnt allowed to sit on the arm of my aunties couch, today my auntie gave me that couch. Here are the pictures she recieved
[interview for waiter position]
Manager: “So how experienced are you at carrying multiple plates?”
Stegosaurus: “You’re kidding me right?”
13 just did his laundry without provocation.
I’m sure he wants something, but he’s scaring the hell out of me.
Friend teaching me how to flirt: You have to lick your lips just a little, make it look sexy.
Me: Like this?
Friend: No, not like that
Me: How about now?
Friend: Please stop
Me:
Shopping online and betting on which shipments arrive by the estimated delivery dates because I don’t feel like going to a casino to lose money.
If you’re forcing me to choose between you and my dream of making a sequel to the 1982 horror classic then you’ve got another Thing coming.
I have never flown first class. Does the food just taste better because you get to lie down while you eat it?
The GF goes away for 10 days, *shits going to get wild
* sleeps in middle of bed
Me: Good night Moon
Moon:
Me, climbing out of lunar module two weeks later: Did you get my text?!
wife [gives me piece of fruit] Try this
me: Tastes like hand sanitizer
wife: Did you just use hand sanitizer?
me: Yeah
wife
me
wife
me: Why?
Not usually a big fan of God, but I have admit telling Cruz to run for president then making him lose to a reality TV clown was an A+ prank.
I’m at my most vulnerable when I’m hungry like I’ll tell you anything
At my funeral I want there to be a big ‘live laugh love’ sign with the ‘live’ crossed out
[speaking at an AA meeting]
Me: You’ll find the transition from hard liquor to hard drugs expensive, but very rewarding
*everyone cheers*
my friend: so the new person you’re dating is another white guy named matt whose parents pay his rent?
me: yeah, but like, there’s something different about this one.
narrator: there was in fact not anything different about this one.
Birds are weird. Could you imagine if we all woke up at 5 a.m. and just started hollering at each other across the whole neighborhood?
Good thing we got these tiny handheld computers to do our yelling for us, or else we’d look like IDIOTS.
Me: (accidentally crushes the World’s Smallest Violin)
Guy who owns the World’s Second Smallest Violin: aw yea baby my time to shine
Top names for pet grasshopper:
• Jerry Springer
• hoptimus prime
• Legatron
• Jumpford & sons
• meredith
• billy BOIIIING thorton
• beyouncé
Just because I’m gay, doesn’t mean I don’t know how to please a woman.
You buy them a dress with pockets.
imagine when the stars that make orion’s belt die and his pants fall down
Have a blessed Friday, may it be filled with…
doctor: your parents were in a car accident
me: how are they?
doctor: they’re critical
me: I meant medically
When making small talk at a tweet-up, avoid using the word “fungus.”
I only want to be cremated if they use real cream.
MUFASA: Everything the light touches is our kingdom.
ME: What about shadows or when it’s cloudy?
MUFASA: *Sigh* Wh…why are you like this?
Grandma, what big eyes you have!
thyroid actin’ up
What big ears you have!
ear infection
What big teeth!
receding gums, look I’m just old ok
I’m not doubting that you’re 1/8th Pond People, but this is a research paper. You can’t cite “BOG WISDOM”