After slaving away making a full Christmas dinner, my 3yo looked lovingly at me and smiled. Then five simple words left her mouth… “can I have cereal instead?”
You Might Also Like
just saw a preview of the upcoming commercial for Lady Doritos, yikes
Thursday, 4:01pm
“Still there.”
“Yep.”
“Looks blue.”
“It certainly does.”
“Wet too.”
“Totally.”
“See you next week?”
“Count on it.”
Hubby is trying to get it up…There we go…Ok now it won’t go down-oh there it goes…Shit, now it’s going back up!
Garage door is broken
My seven year old just told me the average person sleeps 70% of their lives and I am just so impressed he can make up statistics above his grade level
[buying an engagement ring]
clerk: that will be $10,000
me: [dragging 3 months’ celery behind me] okay please dont laugh
Amazon talking about show them proof I didn’t get the package 😒
There’s been a fire at London Zoo. Apparently two stick insects were having sex and it all got out of control.
Kid: Why does the tooth fairy want my teeth?
Me: She eats them to strengthen her bony exoskeleton. She must be fed regularly, or she will kill
7AM, Sunday: Just dropped the dog off at little league practice, walked the goldfish and flushed 8 down the toilet. I’ll get a new one so my kid doesn’t notice.
*takes sip of coffee* ..wait
The key to a clean house is dim lighting.
Sometimes when life closes one door it opens another, because apparently life is trying to air condition the whole damned neighborhood.
ME [yelling down into a volcano]: You shut your stupid Earth mouth
Me: *rubs broom back & forth in front of kid gliding in heelys
Friend: pls stop curling children
This is your pilot speaking. We’ll be taking off shortly once our flight crew confirms that this is, in fact, an airplane
PET SHOP OWNER: So would u like a puppy for your son?
ME: Yes[home]
WIFE: Where’s Tommy?
ME [with a puppy] ok so they offered me this deal
[First Date]
Me: So this has been great.
*moves in for a kiss*
Me: Jesus, a little handsy there.
Octopus: I can’t… I can’t help it.
So wild that you can walk into any Walmart, open a Ouija Board in the game aisle, summon a Demon and then just leave.
Sure coffee will wake you up, but have you ever stepped into a cold shower that you thought was hot?
[Wedding Day]
FIANCÉE: omg it’s today!
ME: it’s always today, janet
The duck was completely silent the entire ride. Didn’t say a single word to me. Five stars.
“Does this hurt?”
“YES!”
“What about this?”
“OW!”
*Dr. writes notes*
“Patient shows symptoms of pain when stabbed with knife. Keep updates.”
In a previous life I may have been a carrier pigeon, in that all I ever think about is going home.
Please don’t feel you need to explain your opinions to idiots. We do not care what you think.
god: *creates human* whatcha think?
angel: nice, will it hurt itself in the dark?
god: *adds shins* now it will
As the rain pelts down on the window I am simultaneously happy I don’t have to go water the garden and pissed because I just washed the car.
My daughter has started a fun new game where she tries to guess my age with random numbers like 72 or 94. So fun.
Him: Do you want to watch a little TV?
Me: No. I want you to buy me a big one.
Circling toys in the Christmas catalog as a kid for your parents is the same as sending links to your spouse as an adult.
Can’t. Doing hot girl shit.
*decapitates lemon gummy bears with glistening incisors