Losing a loved one during the holidays is tough. My dad died during Toyotathon
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[at the plastic surgeon] please doc help me my Barbie doll has appendicitis
Husband: *wakes up* Wow! I feel great! I can’t believe all of our kids slept through the night.
Me: (with 4 kids on top of me) Oh, I believe it.
wife: I’m leaving you
me: is it because I cheated on you
wife: wha- no it’s because you keep bringing around your friend Mike who says ‘uh oh spaghetti-os’ when bad things happen
the closet: uh oh spaghetti-os
If you’re afraid of public speaking, just imagine everyone in the audience is on their phones not listening to you anyway.
The Queen is so afraid of how the vote will turn out, she put Sam Smith in a boat circling Scotland singing “Stay With Me” into a megaphone.
From now on, I’m referring to my ex girlfriends as “yesterbae’s.”
I don’t usually brag on here, but I just got an email saying I have, and I quote, an “outstanding” medical bill
we baptize all our dinosaurs just in case all that catholic shit turns out to be true
If any cheetahs are reading this, please do not eat my son.
Don’t know how to delete tweets so please just disregard the one earlier in which I claimed to have “definitely broken the world land speed record” by running very fast down the hill near my house. I have since looked it up and I accept that I underestimated the current record
[Couple saying their vows in church]
ME *stands up* I know why these two should not be wed. SHE’S ALREADY MARRIED!
EVERYONE *gasps*
ME: AND SO IS HE!
EVERYONE *gasps*
COUPLE: Yeah we’re renewing our vows
ME *sits down* I did not know that
[Shipwreck Diary]
Day 29: worried I’m losing track of time
Day 4: nope. I’m fine
College Daughter: Hey dad can you help me with a question on my physics homework?
Me [in my 3rd hour of trying to help my 5th grader with her Common Core Math]: OH THANK GOD SOMETHING EASY
[first day as a bartender]
Customer: I’ll have a martini, dry
Me, staring at all the liquid ingredients: I don’t know how to tell you this
Coffee in the morning
More coffee at night
Coffee in the afternoon
Unless you wanna fight
Seven years ago THIS was all we had to worry about.
I thought I heard a noise last night so I got my bat and crept into the kitchen just to find out it was my own stomach grumbling.
The jerk store called. *removes hat* I’m afraid there’s been an accident.
Self-checkout is great right up until you move one item prematurely and it freezes the whole system and calls an employee over and you go “I don’t know what I did,” and they say, “It’s all good,” and then scan the magical piece of paper hanging around their neck that unlocks it.
Me: This is the worst escape room ever.
Boss: This is your job.
Since summer is almost over here’s a list of all the places I got to visit:
1. Work
[filling out the date on important documents]
Brain: when I say June you write June!
Me: yeah!
Brain: JUNE!
Me: J̶A̶N̶ JUNE!
I’ve discovered I can turn invisible, but it’s involuntary and only works on bartenders.
me: what’s the best way to get healthy?
doctor: diet and exercise
me: what’s the next best?
HR: People are complaining that you find ways to appear superior to them.
[chair elevated to highest position]
Me: That’s just ridiculous.
Therapist: we need to work on YOU taking responsibility for YOUR actions
Me: *pulls a flask out* WHO PUT THIS IN MY PURSE?
My wife is mad that my daughter is crying in this restaurant but she should be mad that our daughter is so bad at tic-tac-toe that I’ve beaten her 24 times in a row.
every time a guy in a movie says he has a bad feeling about this it’s when he’s already driving a car off a mountain and trying to land on another mountain that’s both on fire and covered in spikes. and it’s like yeah man that makes sense
Never be afraid to acknowledge your accomplishments
Please respect my privacy at this difficult time. I’m in morning.