Doctor: Did you take those pills I gave you last month?
Me: The package said “Take on an empty stomach” so, not yet.
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A group of crows is called a murder. A group of people walking slowly in front of me at the store is called a motive.
Watching married people in love on twitter is so refreshing…
It would be even more refreshing, if they were married to eachother
Feb 14th іs for lovers. Feb 15th іs for lovers of hаlf prіce cаndy.
[Murderer chasing me]
Murderer: YOU’VE DROPPED YOUR WALLET
Me: oh, I thought you wanted to kill me
Murderer: *ruffles my hair* I’m a murderer, not a thief! *starts stabbing me*
My problem with the 15 minute city is what are you supposed to do with the rest of the day?
A guy gets hit on the head by a falling soda can. But he’s allright.
Guess he was lucky
*puts on sunglasses*
It was a soft drink
#FFFC
Who needs coffee to wake you up when one fall in the shower can turn into a break dance of horror
Halloween candy isn’t bad for you if you keep it in a salad bowl.
Sometimes when I get a compliment I stop, moonwalk out of the room and yell “Thank You “just to leave them hanging.
doktor: did you get a drug test?
me: nah I know what I’m on
My google search history is just 12 different incorrect spellings of the word “restaurant.”
Whenever I destroy an ant hill with the leaf blower, I imagine the footage of the terrible blownado being shown on ant tv the next morning.
Dear Abby,
My pastor insists that being gay is wrong, yet he ends all his letters with the words “In Him”
Help!
Perplexed in Poughkeepsie
Owls are just nocturnal pug birds
Finally got this fire hydrant open, but there was like, the opposite of fire inside
Ladies, if he can’t appreciate fruit jokes…
… you need to let that mango.
11: He shoots for her coffee. He SCORES! HE’S…
Me: Grounded.
What is this World Cup and can I drink from it?
It’s October so I refuse to kill any spiders in my house in hopes that they do the Halloween decorating for me.
Let’s hear it for the staff in this branch of Maplin, still able to crack funnies ahead of their store’s impending closure …
I’d probably start exercising if it didn’t require moving around so much.
I want a rich person to hire me to float around in their pool and feed me bread I want to be a wealthy person’s duck
Hubby: If you could sleep with one of my frien…
Me: Frank
H: nd’s bedroom style decor
M: …
H: …
M: …
H: So you like shabby chic?
Wife: Wanna try bondage?
Me: SURE
Wife: [makes me build a pyramid]
[meeting a friend’s new baby]
cool so do you have any non human pets?
My Uber driver doesn’t know that soon he’ll be an accomplice.
7: so those people think belle is weird because she’s walking around?
me: i guess so
7: and because she likes books?
me: um…yeah
7: but at least she’s pretty right?
me: …let’s watch moana instead
Her: Hi hun.
Atilla: [under breath] I told you not to call me that in front of the men. It might stick.
*curtsying before the royal duck court*
M’allard!
My husband got a notification that “there’s a familiar face” at the door.
It was the Amazon delivery guy, y’all.