Friend: “Any plans this weekend?”
Me: “I’m going to Alcoholics Unanimous.”
Friend: “I think you mean ‘Anonymous’.”
Me: “Nope.”
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Monday, if you keep this shit up – I’m taking you out of the will.
Just bit into a Pop Tart so hot that it caused me to involuntarily perform the falsetto “ah-ha-ha-ha-” intro to Stayin’ Alive
When people put pics of their vacation on FB I write: I saw fire trucks outside your house but I’m sure you already know, have a great time!
ME: *drinks protein shake* Am I gonna be ripped now?
BF: No, that’s not how it—
ME: *trapped under recliner I just tried to lift* Help
Hot single narcissists in your area want to be rude to you and then pretend nothing happened.
The ankle monitor stays on during sex, but only because it has to.
Cop: do you know why I stopped…
Me: *holding up hand for a high five*
Cop: umm okay, *high fives* do you…
Me: *I slowly interlock our fingers*
Cop: what are you, Umm
Me: *i hold eye contact* hi
Cop: *blushing* hi lol
New research in early toy-purchase psychology has found that the majority of parents subconsciously hope their children become xylophonists.
lmao
Most Brands: Sandals and flip flops should cost a normal amount, between $10-$30
Gucci: What about $200?
Old Navy: Give us some loose change. What’s that, a button? Fine
I shall have another coffee for I am sleeping standing
[Boiling in a pot]
Boy lobster: AAAAGGGGHHH!!
Girl lobster: I’m cold
Me: I’m surprised at how winded I am after this exercise.
Trainer: this was the tour of the gym…
Do I like to live dangerously?
I wrote this without my glasses on so what do you thick
Marriage may be hard but at least you don’t have to wear heels to the pumpkin patch anymore.
A drinking game where you do a shot every time you are prompted to update Adobe
[Checking in at Comic Con]
Attendant: How long did you spend on your cosplay?
Me: Seven months
A: *Hands me a badge marked “Casual”*
My son turns 18 today. I bought him a set of luggage for his birthday.
Too forward? Maybe it’s too forward.
you can never lose a homing pigeon. If your homing pigeon doesnt come back, what you lost was a normal pigeon.
Bathroom stall doors should have peepholes so you don’t have to awkwardly knock if someone is in there
The iPad Air is named after what’s left in your bank account when you buy one.
The “you can’t sit with us” kids don’t like it when you call them the “you can’t sit with us” kids.
My wife yelled out in the hallway, there’s a severe thunderstorm warning now …. I could barely hear her way back in this closet with my cat.
The amount of people I know who have disliked me because someone told them to is staggering. Like dude, give me a chance… I’ll give you a reason. I promise.
DMV: Please make an appointment for faster service.
Also DMV: Your appointment means nothing. Sit & wait, peasant.
[rollercoaster]
HER: weeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee
ME [selfish]: iiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiii
Like many of you, I dislike a chandelier, both in its entirety and its individual chandels.
Husband: “You should try going to bed earlier.”
Me: “You should take the 3yo to work with you.”
Him: “I’d get nothing done.”
Me: “EXACTLY.”
Find someone that threatens to fight everyone as often as you do
I milked the cow
“We don’t have a cow”
the neighbors’ cow then
“Their cat?”
Pretty sure it was a cow he was saying moo
“Meow”
Ah shoot