At bath time, my 4-year-old asked if he could use “the other bath.” We only have one, so, filled with curiosity, I grabbed his little hand and asked him to show me. Kid led me to the dishwasher.
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Accidentally typed ‘Edgar Allan Pie’ and now I’m in the mood for a sullen and morose dessert
Why are there no owls here? I WAS LEAD TO BELIEVE THERE WOULD BE OWLS HERE!
#hooters
how do we even know zombies only eat brains? it’s not like anyone has ever tried to offer them a hotdog or something
Did you come from a “never take medicine for any reason whatsoever” family or a “you might get a headache today, take 12 advil” family
Never make an enemy out of someone who loves camping, they’ve trained to hit rock bottom and they like it.
Google Moon is NOT what I thought it would be.
*pulls up pants
Accidentally connected my Fitbit account to Facebook and now everyone knows I only walked 13 steps yesterday.
Me: What kind of stupid phone you got there?
Him: Windows phone
Me: Oh [takes it and lobs it out the window] Yes it is
Please look at this text I just received from my boyfriend and yes you have the same amount of context as I do
Brad Pitt might be “better looking” than me, but I am considerably fatter.
If Amazon boxes become the currency of the post-apocalyptic world my family will be rich.
Listerine: ‘I kill 99.99% of the germs that cause bad breath!’
Germ: ‘So you’re telling me there’s a chance!’
There are two kinds of people in the world: Those who divide everybody into two kinds of people, and those who don’t.
It’s the weekend; time to get my nopes up.
*Gets on plane*
*Takes out earbuds*
*Untangles earbuds*
*Plane lands*
If you’re not part of the solution, you must be on Twitter
There should be a polygamist version of the Bachelor where he says yes to all 30 women on the first night and the season ends after one episode
[sitting down next to a stranger at a minor league baseball game] that looks great. who’s your hot dog guy
sex work?? sure does. there’s over 7 billion of us.
The truck in front of me is hauling a fridge. Freezer just flew open and a chicken nugget hit my windshield.
Day. Made.
Just read that the average woman goes on 7 diets in her lifetime and I was like “wtf” because I’ve been on 7 diets since lunch.
How you can tell a writer has no siblings:
“Hey, little bro / little sis.“
How you can tell a writer has siblings:
“Hey, loser. Mom called.”
My son turns 18 today. I bought him a set of luggage for his birthday.
Too forward? Maybe it’s too forward.
date: i love mussels
me: i hate working out
date: i mean from the sea
me: i’m sorry i can’t be aquaman
Maybe there is no baby
I’m starting to suspect my wife’s been stuffing her shirt with an increasingly large series of hams
Now I’m hungry.
Low fat tortilla chips and lite salsa?
That’s not what was meant by the words “skinny dipping.”
guys, i almost wrote an inspirational tweet what is happening
Odds I accidentally turn off a room’s lights when controlling house lights from my phone:
Any room my wife is not in – 1%
Any room my wife is in – 92%
Vegans with children named ‘Hunter’ are why I lie awake at night.
I just responded to a text message with: I can’t hear you, you’re breaking up