[God wakes up] oh man i am hungover, what’d i do last night?
[sees that goats have the ability to scream now] haha oh yea
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This is one of the many reasons that I am chubby
The key to doing well at wordle is to think Britishly
I can tell she’s pissed, the floors look amazing.
Got my first dose of the vaccine and, so far, the only side affect I’ve noticed is something I haven’t seen reported (and it may just be my imagination), but I think the vaccine has made me better-looking.
Every time I have sex I hear sitcom laughter in my head
cop: thanks for saving us but why is your underwear on wrong
superman: lmao they’re not on wrong
cop:
superman: wait is this wrong
Whenever I select next-day delivery for an online purchase, I imagine someone, somewhere, yells CRAP really loud then people scurry like mad
banking website: thank you for your transfer as a reminder the total you can move between accounts in any one given business day is $1,000,000
me, sitting on a milk crate in a studio apt i share with two other guys: ok
Instead of cars warning us of stupid things, like the door is open, it should tell us useful things, like there’s a cop hiding in the bushes
Someone needs to invent Glade Air Freshner Clit Rings®.
I peeled off the sticker that said “Don’t consume alcohol while on medication.”
I don’t need that kind of negativity in my life.
“Let’s run the bell commercial we’ve been playing for the past 17 years and take the month of December off” – The Hershey Kisses Marketing Team
the worst part of getting fired from the unemployment office is still having to go in the next day
I hate when people say “you always want what you don’t have” like that’s really insightful and not just explaining the definition of “want.”
I bought a witch cauldron type-thingy today.
I dunno what compelled me to do it, but here I am, hovering over it with a dash of coriander.
HOT SINGLES HAVE MIGRATED AWAY FROM YOUR AREA DUE TO CLIMATE CHANGE
Don’t worry if you had a bad day, remember there are people who have their ex’s name tattooed.
I found a baggie of coke while out walking my dogs. I knew adopting the retired police K-9 would pay off.
The one nice thing about your friends’ divorces is no one invites you to them.
3 wishes for when I find a genie:
1. The more I eat the skinnier I get
2. One kid grows up to be a pharmacist
3. Other kid owns a winery
I want to learn scuba diving but I’m terrified of the orchestral music in underwater documentaries.
I never let people borrow my shoes, because if they walk a mile in them they’ll know how much I exaggerate my problems.
If you’re pulled over, wait for the cop to lean down to your window, then use their vulnerability to give them a quick peck on the cheek
We are gathered here today because Somebody “glares at coffin ” couldn’t stay alive.
*hitler leans in close to the mic* and the next person to question me gets executioned
*grammar nazi bites lip*
[Me at job interview]
And, how seriously does your company take allegations of witchcraft?
murderer: i forgot all my murder weapons
me: i’ll wait
[1st Date]
(Okay, don’t let her know you’re addicted to eating fruit)
Me: This is good
[2nd Date]
[3rd Date]
[4th Date]
[5th Date]
Her: Stop
Employee: You know what’s neat?
Me: Whiskey in a glass without ice?
If your name got called on The Price is Right, it’d be fun to scream, jump up and down, and then run full speed out of the studio