Having never seen the ocean, visited a lake, or gone anywhere near the river, he could honestly say that he’d lived his life without egret.
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I was playing outside with my kids and I tried to jump over something because I forgot I’m 40 anyways who wants to sign my cast?
Guy who pronounces HOA like boa
No one should be surprised that so many tweets are about unhappiness and failure. You don’t end up on Twitter by making good life decisions.
I take no responsibility for anything I said or did yesterday.
I was young. It was a different time.
Them: love what you do and you’ll never work a day in your life
Me: ok how can I make this apply to eating cheese?
I photoshopped some long arms onto a T rex. Those short ones don’t look so stupid now, do they?
I wish my therapist followed me on Instagram so she could see that I baked a cool loaf of bread, proving that I’m fine and there’s nothing wrong with me.
replying “so true bestie” every time a man tells me i’m pretty
I became a journalist because I can’t do math. I was told there would be no math.
I told my 5 year old that he was allowed to choose 1 item from the grocery store so we’re walking home with a cart.
[a guy 3000 years ago putting his wet carrier pigeon in a bowl of rice]
I’m really enjoying this drive through the desert. There’s so much to see. Cacti, rocky plateaus, rolling vistas, the occasional coyote on roller skates with a giant magnet on his back, tumbleweeds.
Used to work in an office where the boss gave a hard brain teaser to the staff in the morning & if anyone could figure it out by the afternoon he’d pay for their lunch. I won most days. Because as the IT guy I had access to his company cloud account where he stored the answers.
Nothing gets you out of the Christmas mood faster than wrapping gifts.
GUY ON TV: I’m going to show you how to make something today
ME [fingers crossed] please be a friend
kidnapper: if u don’t eat this salad we’ll kill ur friend
me:
kidnapper:
me: which friend
Alcohol: You know Kung Fu and you’re not afraid to use it
Brain: This makes sense right now
Body: We’re on board
Pavement: Come at me bro
I’m such a bad ass chef that I hear music every time I cook… Hubby calls it the “smoke alarm” but whatever…I think he’s just jealous.
A psychologist on a podcast I listen to just said “if you want to be less anxious you need to worry less” so thank god he spent $80k on his PhD because this is absolute gold
Showering is the worst. You mean I’ve gotta clean this body AGAIN? Has it been rolling in the mud? No. It’s been checking emails and watching Netflix. It is now unpresentably filthy. Stand in this loud wet box and confront your mortal vessel. You can’t even play a phone game.
I accidentally left my speech to text on while walking my dog, this is the transcript:
Me: Dropped my phone & now screen doesn’t work.
Help forum: Should’ve had a better case.
Apparently, my mother works in Samsung support now.
Bursting from my chair, I pound a fist on the boardroom table. Everyone’s gasps turn to cheers as I lift my hand to reveal the dead mosquito
Mugger: give me everything you got
Spice Girls: Oh tell me what you want what you really really want
Mugger: ok nevermind
Every time I get my period, I think well that explains the last few days
Every time I see someone holding hands I get triggered to play red rover with them.
A plastic surgery slogan:
Because You Don’t Have A Good Personality Either
Welcome to Twitter, someone with cat ears & whiskers will be along shortly to explain why you’re wrong.
The best time of day for a prostate examination is 6:30 because both hands are at the bottom.
To little kid eyeing my McDonalds: thats right i can eat this any time i want… Dont ask about any of the other parts of my life please.