doctor: I’m afraid your husband has died
my aunt: oh no wait have you tried giving him *scrolling facebook* apple cider vinegar
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*waits till lights dim in the movie theater*
*Takes bowl of hot lobster bisque out of purse*
I’ve adopted an elephant virtually. The elephant itself is actually.
People who are loud sneezers should be required to post it on their dating profile.
A skinny friend told me she’s never hungry and just ‘forgets to eat’, so I drove her out to the woods and left her for dead. Is that wrong?
You know what this new carpet needs? For me to open a tube of blue toothpaste, and jump up and down on it.
– My 4yo. Apparently.
landlords thinking they deserve a tip is actually crazy
Recommendations needed. My 12 year old hasn’t had a phone for long but he’s somehow managed to smash the screen. Can anyone recommend a reputable place that will replace 12 year olds?
me: sorry, but 40 is NOT too old to date!
wife: this has nothing to do with your age
[2025]
Me: *tapping out Morse code on wall shared with neighbor* Man, I miss 2020.
“You do you” is the nicest way to call someone an idiot.
Life Hack: Get a dog and a cat and name them Resident and Occupant. Now that junkmail isn’t annoying, it’s adorable.
cw: what did you do at the weekend?
me: friends treated me to a bloated birthday meal
cw: I think you mean belated?
m: *recalling the deep-fried pufferfish* I know exactly what I mean
[First Date]
Me: *licks corner of napkin*
Me: *dabs at his cheek*
Him: ……………
Me: Sorry. Force of habit.
[blind date]
Him: what are you looking for in a partner?
Her: someone with serious ink
Him: *opens overcoat to reveal a range of 18th century fountain pens*
Her: [whispering] holy shit
Husband: *wakes up* Wow! I feel great! I can’t believe all of our kids slept through the night.
Me: (with 4 kids on top of me) Oh, I believe it.
the saddest jazz hands ever
Me: Male Peacocks can’t fly because their tail is too heavy.
Beauty has its cost.Husband: I still don’t understand why your eyeliner costs 45 dollars.
THE GUY WHO INVENTED FIREWORKS: i’m gonna kill god.
me *stops crying*
doctor
me
doctor: And no more fast food
me *starts crying again*
Sometimes I hide condiments from my husband by moving them 3 inches to the left.
I walked a girl home last night, and things got a little awkward at one point.
She turned around and found out I was walking her home.
Nothing sets a bad precedence like your boss catching you actually working.
squirrel mom: Remember what I told you
squirrel son: “Always look both ways before I finish crossing the street”
He asked if I was into anal, then got all weird when I pulled out my strap-on. Advice?
My son was mad at me today so he told me as much punishment I had to go to my room and sleep for 24 hours. If I got hungry, he’d bring me whatever food I wanted, but I was not allowed to leave my bed for one whole day.
If you need me, I’ll be on vaca-, I mean, in my room.
Yet another “No DMs” bio. All this civil rights progress but bigotry against Dungeon Masters is still tolerated.
All I’m saying is what kind of father would encourage a wayward son to carry on?
Everyday is talk like a pirate day if you’re committed and annoying enough
If I let you into my life, I am either emotionally invested or you are a grilled cheese sandwich.