I remember when I was 12, dad caught me smoking a ham; so to teach me a lesson he made me smoke an entire herd of piglets.
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I have almost 500,000 miles on my office chair …. So I got that going for me.
Women across the Twitterverse get random nudity requests, and I? I get a request for a voice note of me blowing my nose.
I use a “retirement calculator” every morning before I leave for work to make sure I’m on track financially and I only have 1718 years to go
That’s what I call a flat tire
A baby that is starting to wake up from a nap is like a solar eclipse. Whatever you do, do not look directly at it.
Authors, for the love of all things, let your protagonists sleep sometimes.
I hugged my youngest son today and asked him “how’s my favorite son?” and from the next room the oldest son shouted “I heard that!”
[hardware store]
Me: Let me do the talking. This is man stuff
Wife: Fine
Clerk: Can I help you?
Me: I need a whacker thingy to hit nails
Look, ice cream has eggs in it, therefore it is a breakfast food.
That’s why you always keep moving. Don’t leave a digital footprint. Get a new identity, cut ties with family and friends. Keep a go-bag behind your bedroom drywall, stop watching reality TV.
That last one doesn’t have anything to do with being on the run, it’s just a good idea
If simply wrinkling my nose at your smell is politer than spraying you head to foot with Febreze then so be it.
Not happy but so be it.
Who called them reply guys instead of first responders?
[Japan]
HEAD SCIENTIST: Hey, what did you guys do with all the nuclear waste?
*distant Godzilla noises*
If bras are called over the shoulder boulder holders then panties should be named under the hip lip grippers.
trainer: what’s your fitness goals?
me: to be able to run to the door for my pizza delivery without feeling like I’m dying.
Sometimes even letting your kids watch age-appropriate shows is a big mistake. Showed my kids The Flintstones, and my youngest asked what it was like living with a dinosaur. My 5-year-old pointed at the Flintmobile and said, “is that why your feet look like that?”
Morning.
My coworker is pregnant and they passed a card around and I didn’t know what to write so I just put HAVE A GOOD BABY TANYA
I never feel quite so uncertain as when I’m walking the dog and a neighbor driving by waves to me but my free hand has a bag of poop in it.
honestly? my therapy dog gives terrible advice
Me: Shhh, your brother is still sleeping.
4yo: *runs upstairs
CRASH
JUMP
“Wake up!”
SLAM
*runs back downstairs
“No, he’s not.”
Relationship status:
I ran out of toilet paper a week ago.
Update:
I am now running out of paper towels.
I switched to brown eggs but can barely taste the chocolate. Huge disappointment.
I bought my son a book about bats and halfway through it he shouted out, “WHAT??? BATS ARE REAL?!?!” All this time he thought they were made up for Halloween like ghosts and witches
I can’t wait for my mom to come to my new house so she can tell me how I organized the kitchen wrong.
Me: hey, I like your tummy
Marsupial: thanks, it has pockets
My one weakness is definitely chocolate. And cake, also cake. Oh, coffee. Wait bread too. There’s also cheese.
My one weakness is indecision.
Asserting dominance by starting all my private DMs with “I hope this dm finds you well”
STOP using Halloween as an excuse to dress slutty – dress slutty every day